Take off the mask and let your true self shine

Transparency and authenticity are buzz words that are heard a lot nowadays, but the actual practice of being honest, open, and even emotionally raw in a relationship is no easy task. On some level we are all facing that fear – afraid of being seen for who we truly are. Afraid of seeing ourselves for who we really are…

When we continually lock out our partners and refuse to let them know who we really are “behind the mask,” we limit intimacy, hamper communication, and create barriers to a fulfilled relationship.

According to Dr Gary Brown, “Being vulnerable in relationships is really opening your heart and letting your partner know your true self. It’s the warts and all. It’s those secret parts of yourself that you may have never shared with your partner…or maybe anyone else for that matter.

It’s the stuff that has stayed hidden away that you really don’t want to say – too scared to say — but maybe are thinking. It’s surrounded by the “if I share this stuff” my friend/partner/lover won’t like me/love me/will want to leave me.

And that is why being vulnerable with our inner world is directly linked to overcoming our fear of how our loved one may react. That is why vulnerability requires the courage to be truly authentic and real, letting your friend/partner/lover know all the sides of you, even the icky parts alongside the fear of the reveal.

Being vulnerable can be really scary. But it is the single most thing that will create trust and deep connection for a relationship to go the distance.

In a healthy relationship, both partners have a sense of connection and trust. Vulnerability creates emotional (and sometimes physical) intimacy and a closeness because you can feel safe to be your true self. It’s what creates a deeper sense of love and understanding.

In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. And that, understandably, can feel emotionally risky….

To know that you are seen and loved for simply being your full self, to be with someone else in all of their vulnerability and love them for all that they are may just be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. When you feel yourself starting to shut down out of fear in your relationship, notice if you can make the choice to be courageous and embrace vulnerability.”

Credits:

• Image 1 from the Freemasonrymatters.co.uk
• Image 2 from Take Off The Mask Quotes

Just be yourself…

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.…”
(From Shakespeare’s ‘As You Like It’, 1600)

from http://sometimesalicefx.deviantart.com

On some level we are all facing fear – afraid of being seen for who we truly are. Afraid of seeing ourselves for who we really are…

As Christine Hassler notes in her article The Power of Vulnerability “most of us can relate to times when we expressed an emotion and it was not received well, so we develop suppression techniques. Although it may seem like we are protecting ourselves, suppressing our expression erects walls around our hearts and reinforces beliefs about it not being safe to share our genuine feelings with another. As a result, we form relationships that are based more on fear than love…

From YouTube

But we cannot truly experience the delicious emotions that a relationship offers if we are not authentic. I invite you to read the word “intimacy” as “into-me-see”. We create intimacy with others when we allow ourselves to be seen. Vulnerability is our way to break patterns of avoiding being truly seen for fear of how we will be received. If you are protecting and guarding yourself, you are unavailable for intimacy…

From Raw for Beauty

Don’t let fear stop you when it comes to being raw and real with others. To fully feel the love and connection we all yearn for, vulnerability is required. Think of someone you feel very close to. There have been times when you have shared a feeling with that person that felt risky to expose, yet when it was received with love, rather than judgment, your relationship got stronger. Vulnerability connects us. It is a great gift we give to another person when we let them see behind any masks or walls of emotional protection.”
From http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/650168/

“Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that YOU are.”
Mandy Hale

The Arena
Don’t judge yourself and don’t care what others think…
Your life is your arena: eliminate all fears and self-doubt and enter it with confidence and self-worth.
Just be yourself and follow your passions and dreams…

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Try not to confuse attachment with love…

“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full.”

Yasmin Mogahed

Try not to confuse attachment with love…

ENDS

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Image from http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/650168/

Do not turn away from your fear. Turn toward love instead…

“I was afraid of the dance once, too. But I learned to embrace it and the mistakes I would make. Do not turn away from your fear. Turn toward love instead.”

Holly Lynn Payne

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War is Evil, War is the Devil…

From http://komitet.net.ua

War is evil
War is the devil
War is between politicians
War is about religions
War is destruction
War is not construction
War is depression
War is an obsession
War is fighting
War is killing
War is sorrow
War is no tomorrow
War is explosions
War is confusions
War is blood
War brings tears like a flood
War makes you cry
War makes you die
War is death all around
War makes you die on your own ground
War is fire
War is not to admire!
War is creed
War is between your own breed
War is cruel
War cost a lot of fuel
War is amputations
War is mutilations
War last forever
I wonder if it ends in Heaven
War is only release
For those who are killed
It means ‘PEACE’

From http://glavred.info/

Thinking of my dear relatives who got caught in the current civil war in Ukraine: some of them forced to leave their houses and all their belongings to move to a safer part of the country, others – stuck in the war zone, hiding in rural areas as all towns and cities are being shelled and bombed with lots of peaceful civilians (including women and children) killed or mutilated. A beautiful peaceful coal-mining town that was full of smiles and laughter when I was spending my summer holidays there as a child is now in the middle of the war zone full of grief, pain and tears. Still struggling to believe that… 😦

When will those who are still living get some peace? 😦

From http://ria.ru

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DO NOT FEAR… Go out and get busy!

 “If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy! “

Dale Carnegie

From https://www.meowfoto.com/

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Boys DOn’t CRY

From Whisper

Men often feel that they need to be self-reliant and hide their own emotions. This behaviour is reinforced everyday in the stereotype of the heroic male, so often represented in popular culture. Fearless, resourceful, stoic and usually facing adversity alone, these characters tell us a lot about what is considered to be ideal male behaviour within our society.

From http://www.comicvine.com

More powerful than film characters are the roles we see our parents playing. Many men have experienced fathers who were emotionally distant, who rarely, if ever, cried or expressed affection outwardly. The way we see our parents behave becomes the unconscious template for our own behaviour.

This template is further reinforced by the upbringing of boys. From early childhood girls and boys are treated very differently, which most of the time is completely unintentional. For example when a little girl falls over, people will fuss around her crooning condolences ‘are you okay poppet?’, ‘Mummy will kiss it better’ meaning for little girls, it’s acceptable to hurt, and to show emotions and pain. However, with little boys it’s often a quick ‘You’ll be okay, you’re a big boy’ or ‘be a man’ leaving no space for emotional display.

From http://wordsondesert.wordpress.com

The four basic human emotions include:

• Sadness
• Anger
• Happiness
• Fear

Of these four emotions, happiness is considered the most acceptable in society. Yet anger, fear and sadness are universally felt by everyone. These emotions serve valuable purposes and are normal responses to threat and loss.

As emotions such as fear and sadness are generally not as accepted, men might try to hide these from themselves and those around them. They feel that they should be able cope on their own.

Individuals might try to cope with ‘negative’ emotions in one or more of the following ways:

• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Working longer hours
• Spending more time away from home
• Consuming more alcohol
• Behaving recklessly and/or violently

We might not always be able to identify what we’re feeling or have the words to describe our emotions. Men may feel uncomfortable talking to someone about them, leading to frustration in relationships when they cannot express their needs, fears and grief.

From http://darkside-of-felix.deviantart.com

Why talk about it?

The restriction of emotional expression in many men’s lives can lead to:

• A greater sense of isolation
• Less support being available from loved ones
• Health issues due to carrying chronic tension in the body and other bad coping strategies
• Relationship difficulties due to an inability to resolve emotional conflicts and/or a perceived lack of ability to be intimate
• Psychological problems such as depression, insomnia and anxiety.

From http://www.doctorpat.org

Getting in touch

Men are often told they have to ‘get in touch with their feelings,’ but what does this really mean and how do you do it? Here are some strategies for getting to know your own feelings better:

• Be aware of the sensations in your body. Emotion always manifests somewhere in the body. Anger might be experienced as a flush of heat in the face, sadness as a tightening of the throat, anxiety as a knot in the stomach. Take a moment to acknowledge the feeling(s) and take a few breaths to help identify these sensations and understand what they mean.
• If you are feeling angry, ask yourself what other emotions you might be feeling? Are you really sad underneath, or afraid?
• Learn to put words to what you are feeling. Often it helps to write down or brainstorm ideas before a conversation.
• Identifying and expressing feelings is a learnt behaviour – and like driving a car, it only takes practice.
• Take the risk of showing your vulnerability with people who you feel safe with. Give yourself permission to be human, it could bring you closer to others and may even bring a sense of relief.
• Ask for help when you need it.

From Men and Emotions

From http://www.oh-i-see.com

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Related posts:

• Cracking the Communication Code Between Men And Women
• Emotional sensitivity: embrace a new perspective
• COMMAn mistake in communication: Do not say a little in many words…
• Marriage is a relationship in which…

Don’t forget to unpack your baggage…

Dragging old baggage around with you can taint the most promising relationship. Living with someone who is carrying excess baggage can feel a little like walking on egg shells; never knowing what will trigger the next blow out. Since it is impossible for your partner to ever be perfect enough to not trigger your baggage, it is wise to unpack.

A few tips for unpacking your baggage are provided below:

1. Accept and release your anger. Accept that it is healthy to feel anger about negative experiences and losses. Accept that you feel angry for a reason, acknowledge that you have a right to feel how you feel. Then choose to deal constructively with your anger and find a way to release that feeling, rather than allowing it to turn to bitterness.

2. Rid yourself of reminders. Give back, give away, sell or discard the physical reminders of old hurts. If you are hanging onto stuff that brings you pain each time you use or see it, it may be time to clean house. It can be helpful as a symbolic way to say I am choosing to let go of the past, or to free myself from its grasp.

3. Break the pattern. Carrying old baggage can mean that your partner gets painted with the same brush as your ex. If they say or do anything that even reminds you of something from the past, all that build up hurt and anger falls on them like a ton of bricks. Choose to be in the present and to deal with your current relationship and remember that your partner is not your ex or your parents or whoever else hurt you in the past.

From http://www.happyfriday.ca/

4. Forgive yourself. It is important to accept responsibility for the hurtful things that you did or said in past relationships and to learn from mistakes that you made. Remember that you are only responsible for things that you can control. Choose to learn from your past and forgive yourself, rather than beating yourself up. Accept that, in whatever situation you found yourself, you did the best you could at the time.

From http://stylemagazine.com/

5. Forgive others. Forgiving those who have hurt you frees you from carrying their baggage with you. You do not forgive them because they deserve to be forgiven or to give them peace of mind; you forgive them because you deserve to be free of them and you deserve peace of mind. Forgiveness can be difficult and sometimes takes years, but it really is the most effective way to unpack your baggage.

From http://frasesconsentimientos.wordpress.com/

Get help if needed. If you strongly feel that your past is interfering with your present and stopping you from having the future that you want, it may be wise to seek help from a professional. Sometimes your partner can help you unpack and sometimes you just need a little extra help.

From Unpack Your Baggage for a Great Relationship
by Susan Derry

From http://www.ingeniosus.net

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Credits:

• Image 1: https://themangogroove.wordpress.com/2014/04/06/baggage-in-a-relationship/
• Image 2: http://relationshiprevelations
• Image 3: https://www.facebook.com/339468812752550/photos/anger-is-a-cancer-that-eats-away-at-your-soul-you-must-release-it-or-in-the-end-/1891985737500842/
• Image 4: https://www.yourtango.com/2017305504/best-break-up-quotes-moving-on-letting-go-past

Is it OK for all men to be seen as predators?

From 5 Things To Show That Men Are Daily Victims Of Gender Bias Too

As a society we talk a lot about racism and other forms of discrimination. But when it comes to men and the way they are being stereotyped and discriminated against, no one seems to have much to say.

I was taught from early age to be fearful of men and talk only to women if I needed help. In spite of good intentions of ‘keeping me safe’, that strategy made it only worse by limiting the pool of people I could ask for help when required. In fact, the safest I ever felt as a child was among boys and men.

From Greatest American Dad

For that reason, I get very upset when I come across examples of men being treated as potential predators. Child advocates advise parents to never hire a male babysitter. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers rather than male passengers.

In 2007 Virginia’s Department of Health mounted an ad campaign for its sex-abuse hotline. Billboards featured photos of a man holding a child’s hand. The caption: “It doesn’t feel right when I see them together,” which implies that my dad or uncle could be seen as sexual abusers if they were holding my hand in public when I was a child. How sick is that? What if I gave my dad a hug or a kiss in public, as I naturally did a lot as a child? Or sat on my dad’s lap? What’s wrong with that? Why should children be denied their father’s affection because of someone else’s sick mind?

From http://www.stopitnow.org/virginia

Not surprisingly fathers’ rights activists and educators argue that an inflated predator panic is damaging men’s relationships with children. Some men are opting not to get involved with children at all, which partly explains why many youth groups are struggling to find male leaders, and why there are so few males involved in early childhood education or  teaching in primary schools.

One of my male friends recently came across a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. So he asked his daughter to comfort the lost child instead. “Being male,” he explained, “I am guilty until proven innocent.”

And that’s not the worst. In England in 2006, BBC News reported the story of a bricklayer who spotted a toddler at the side of the road. As he later testified at a hearing, he didn’t stop to help for fear he’d be accused of trying to abduct her. You know: A man driving around with a little girl in his car? She ended up at a pond and drowned.

From Neglect Ruling in Girl Pond Death

People assume that all men “have the potential for violence and sexual aggressiveness,” says Peter Stearns, a George Mason University professor who studies fear and anxiety. Kids end up viewing every male “as a potential evildoer,” he says, and as a byproduct, “there’s an overconfidence in female virtues,” in spite of disturbing statistics on physical abuse inflicted on children by female perpetrators.

From Messages the Abusive Woman uses to Control her Children

Most men understand the need to be cautious, so they’re willing to take a step back from children, or to change seats on a plane. One abused child is one too many. Still, it’s important to maintain perspective. “The number of men who will hurt a child is tiny compared to the population,” says Benjamin Radford, who researches statistics on predators and is managing editor of the science magazine Skeptical Inquirer. “Virtually all of the time, if a child is lost or in trouble, he will be safe going to the nearest male stranger.”

Society protecting children by treating all men as potential predators is not safe. Just sick.

From Gender and Aggression

Resources:

• Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men?
• Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators
• Seeing All Men as Predators
• When all men are seen as predators
• Treating All Men As Potential Predators Doesn’t Make Our Kids Safer
• Eek! A Male!

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Smile and pass it on :-)

Joy

Pass it on

I saw a beautiful man today
He wasn’t much to look at
But his smile revealed his soul
And once I’d caught a glimpse
I didn’t want to let it go

I glanced back, but afraid
He might misunderstand my gaze
I kept my eyes down
Disguised my curiosity with a frown
Didn’t want him to misread my desire to understand as lust
When it was anything but

Unfazed, he returned my gaze
His eyes brimming with joy
At what I don’t know
But I got caught up in this flow
As he re-entered the crowd
Shoulders back, head bowed

Stunned by the serenity
That began to infuse me
I too started to smile
And, after a while
I noticed others responded in kind
Well, those who didn’t mind…

Others were bemused by this
And shrank back almost as though I’d moved in for a kiss
Or more…
Perhaps they were reacting to me as I had to that beautiful man, before

But there was no holding my joy behind a frown
My shoulders back, I did not drop my head down
I walked tall
Wanting to share this feeling, no longer concerned I didn’t understand
Its source or its meaning
I didn’t need to

Its purpose was clear
It’s the meaning of life
It’s why we’re all here

To share our love when it overflows
So that we have something soft to land on when drowning in woe
Those days when managing a smile is nothing short of courageous

On the days you do it without thinking…
Remember your joy can be contagious.

Pass it on

By Rachael Blair

From QuickMeme

Keep smiling 😉

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