Too Damaged to Love Again?

Thought

Have you ever wondered how early childhood pain or trauma affect ones capacity to love? And to those who have been seriously hurt, is it possible to be so damaged emotionally that you actually can’t love again?

The skills necessary for achieving an intimate relationship are both the ability to be self-aware enough to be in touch with your own feelings and than be able to relate to the feelings and experiences of the intimate partner. Lacking these skills leaves one with a diminished ability to both give love and receive it.

We live in a fast-paced culture and the result is we want everything to come as a quick delivery. Love takes time to develop; it is not a process that can be accelerated. Loving someone deeply requires taking the time to truly know them. It takes honesty, it requires some risks and it takes a tremendous amount of trust. Yet many people think they can just fast forward the process like some steamy scene in a romance movie and begin a real relationship with sex instead of communication. It is doomed to fail because microwave love misses out on real intimacy…

Could it be that we hurry through love, rush relationships, speed up sex, and race through life in general because we are all too wounded to be willing to take the risk of loving someone deeply? Or could it be that our culture has just lost the ability to love because we have become too narcissistic and self-centred? Hurrying through life keeps us so busy that it steals the important solitude that we need to be healthy and whole, both psychologically and spiritually. In other words it keeps us from fully feeling our emotions of loneliness and emptiness. Maybe that’s why some people stay so busy and never take a minute to slow down, because if they did it would mean getting honest about what’s missing in their life and that would be too painful, so it’s off to another busy activity to avoid getting real…

You get to choose the level of intimacy in your relationships. Do you have the courage to open your heart and really love, or are you too damaged, wounded or narcissistic to love again?

(From Too damaged to love again?)

Credits: Photo from Pininterest

Are you sapiosexual?

“Who are sapiosexuals?” you may ask. In a few words, sapiosexuals are those who fall in love with people’s minds.

Are you sapiosexual? Take the test! 😉


From http://lonerwolf.com

Have you ever fallen in love with the words?

Books are the most patient of teachers, the most constant of friends, and the wisest of counselors. From http://sapiosexual-musings.tumblr.com

or the books?

sapiosexual all the way
From http://www.pinterest.com

Do you appreciate intelligent conversation?

Yesss men we so. Intelligent conversation is real sexy. Stimulate my mind first.
From http://www.pinterest.com

Are you male or female? Well, that does not really matter 😉

Intelligence
From http://www.liveluvcreate.com

Is intelligence the ultimate aphrodisiac for you? 

Intelligence.jpg

From cdn.quotesgram.com

And SMART – the new SEXY? 

This was my lock screen forever...
From http://www.pinterest.com

If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, then I hope you do know  someone who is in love with your mind? Someone who wants to undress your conscience and make love to your thoughts? Someone who wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you’ve built up around your mind and let them inside? Someone, who can’t forget the flavour of your mind?

😉

souls connect ☽☆☾
From http://www.pinterest.com

Hope you do have that special SOMEONE in your life

🙂

THE END

Love, intimacy and desire

Intimacy

What is intimacy?

The feeling of being in a close personal and affectionate association and belonging together… of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other…

Cuddle
From itisonlyacuddle

Recent research shows there are different areas of intimacy.

Intimacy 2
Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy

On this level, you can converse with your partner about current events, share ideas and thoughts, even debate political and religious topics. Both of you are able to add to the conversation through exchange of thoughts and ideas.

Senior Couple at home. Part of a series
Intellectual intimacy

Recreational intimacy

This is about recreational activities that the two of you enjoy participating in, whether  individually, or together.

Recreational
Recreational Intimacy

Social intimacy

It’s totally okay for you to have your own friends, and he have his, as long as the two of you have some “common” friends. Couple friendships can be an added bonus to a relationship by being a sounding board, providing feedback and accountability.

Friends
Friends

Spiritual intimacy 

This is where you, as a pair, grow deeper together. While this area of intimacy is the most subjective, due to the various religious backgrounds and practices you may have, it is still a very important component. In my opinion, it’s one of the most important, since a blossoming relationship is spiritual in nature at its core.

Spiritual
Spiritual intimacy

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that happens when the trust level and communication between two people is so deep that it breeds the mutual sharing of each other’s innermost selves. It is unrestrained mutual self disclosure.

In our most intimate relationships, we expect to be accepted as we are, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate. We would like our relationship to be a safe haven for us when we are worn and tired. We want a place of compassion and support.

Emotional
Emotional Intimacy

Physical intimacy

Sexual expression is part of our hard-wiring and can be both exhilarating and invigorating for a couple, use in the right context.

Desire 1
From http://meaningofintimacy.us/ 

It’s important to realize that having a sex life doesn’t have to mean having sexual intercourse. Intimate contact of any kind with your spouse is what is important and necessary. Human beings are by nature sexual creatures with an innate desire to touch, cuddle and feel.

Desire

In recent years, a large number of couples have focused mainly on the physical part of a relationship, reducing intimacy into a series of positions and practices, rather than focusing on holistically expanding a solid relationship in all areas of intimacy.

An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself (or herself) without striving to conform him (or her) to your ideals.

In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the “otherness,” but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.

Mars Venus
From Mars vs Venus

What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.

The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.

From http://meaningofintimacy.us/

 

THE END

Vulnerability and authenticity: the courage to take off the mask

Vulnerable

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and be . If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” 

Brené BrownDaring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

vulnerable1From The Vulnerability of Growing Up

As Christine Hassler notes in her article The Power of Vulnerability “most of us can relate to times when we expressed an emotion and it was not received well, so we develop suppression techniques. Although it may seem like we are protecting ourselves, suppressing our expression erects walls around our hearts and reinforces beliefs about it not being safe to share our genuine feelings with another. As a result, we form relationships that are based more on fear than love. Rather than being truly authentic with others, we become strategic. Vulnerability is discounted because it just feels too risky….

Fear

From The Sky is Falling

But we cannot truly experience the delicious emotions that a relationship offers if we are not authentic. I invite you to read the word “intimacy” as “into-me-see.” We create intimacy with others when we allow ourselves to be seen. Vulnerability is our way to break patterns of avoiding being truly seen for fear of how we will be received. If you are protecting and guarding yourself, you are unavailable for intimacy…

DvoeFrom Raw for Beauty

Don’t let fear stop you when it comes to being raw and real with others. To fully feel the love and connection we all yearn for, vulnerability is required. Think of someone you feel very close to. There have been times when you have shared a feeling with that person that felt risky to expose, yet when it was received with love, rather than judgment, your relationship got stronger. Vulnerability connects us. It is a great gift we give to another person when we let them see behind any masks or walls of emotional protection.”

Mask
From Taking Off Your Mask

* * *

Skin

In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown challenges everything we think we know about vulnerability. Based on twelve years of research, she argues that vulnerability is not weakness, but rather our clearest path to courage, engagement, and meaningful connection.

THE END

Memes which prevent sexual intimacy

Once I came across a series of notes written by American prostitutes. They looked more like case studies, describing individual clients and their ‘business’ requirements (don’t worry  – they did not contain any personally identifiable information).

I was surprised to discover that quite a large number of clients described in those notes were married, loved their wives and overall had very happy families. “Why do they go to prostitutes then?” –  I wondered. “ Why do they go to prostitutes?” – wondered some of the prostitutes featured in those notes.

I got surprised even more when it turned out that some of those clients did not even want to have a ‘full’ service. Often they wanted just something pretty minor that would turn them on – and then they would go straight home to their wives to get the rest. Even some prostitutes were wondering why anyone on Earth would ever pay for that?!

Why did those men risk losing treasured families by going to prostitutes instead of asking their beloved wives for those pretty minor ‘turn ons’?

I’ve done some further research on that and discovered a few interesting memes (or myths) those men might have had in their minds (consciously or subconsciously).

1.       ‘Hot’ vs. ‘Cold’

Men are usually looking for faithful long-term partners as they fear potential infidelity. For that reason some men deliberately avoid ‘hot’ partners or afraid to see their partners as ‘hot’ (partners, who have high libido and are easily satisfied during the sexual act) assuming that ‘hot’ partners are more ‘risky’ and prone to infidelity. I could not find however any evidence proving that view or demonstrating correlation between ‘hotness’ and ‘infidelity’. If a person is fully satisfied (no matter how ‘hot’ this person is) why would he/she look for satisfaction elsewhere?

2.       Black and White Swan syndrome

Some men are struggling with seeing ‘romantic’ and ‘sexual’ sides in the same person. They love their beautiful ‘White Swans’/wives with the most romantic love on Earth, but don’t get turned on by them as they do not see them as ‘sexual’ beings. Therefore to satisfy their biological needs these men turn to ‘black’ swans – sexual objects they have no personal connection with (e.g. porno, prostitutes etc.).

Interestingly enough, in the famous ballet ‘Swan Lake’ the roles of Odette (the White Swan) and Odile (the Black Swan) are always danced by the same ballet dancer. 😉 Or, as the Bible says, “It is good for a man to have nothing to do with a woman. But because of the desires of the flesh, let every man have his wife, and every woman her husband. Let the husband give to the wife what is right; and let the wife do the same to the husband. The wife has not power over her body, but the husband; and in the same way the husband has not power over his body, but the wife. Do not keep back from one another what is right, but only for a short time, and by agreement, so that you may give yourselves to prayer, and come together again; so that Satan may not get the better of you through your loss of self-control…”

3.       Fear to be misunderstood

Some men fear to be misunderstood. They are scared that their beloved ones will leave them if they get to know all their secret sexual desires. Therefore they are struggling to open up themselves to their partners.

However it is not all gloom and doom. There are some powerful strategies that can ‘replace’ or ‘counteract’ these nasty memes. A few of them are provided below:

Four C’s of Sexual Intimacy:

  • Communication:
    Frustration accumulates when partners  are not able to communicate about problems, desires, fears, or a host of other regularly unspoken issues that impact their sexual experience.
  • Caring:
    Caring for your partner means providing them with the sexual experience that pleases them, on their terms, in their way, in their time frame. However caring is not a one-way street – both partners should be caring about each other.
  • Commitment:
    Commitment to sexual intimacy in marriage involves doing what is necessary to achieve it, and eliminating whatever is necessary that impedes it. Commitment also translates into time: you must prioritize your time for sex since other work and family commitments often tend to get in the way.
  • Common Values:
    It is hard to develop intimacy when values held by husband and wife are in conflict. Compatibility is vital for romance and intimacy. You don’t have to agree on everything; but you have to feel safe to be yourself, holding your own values and ideals without threat: this is how trust is built. Romantic intimacy develops as you can be completely open and honest within this context of trust and mutual acceptance.

Having realistic expectations and focusing on ‘quality’ rather than different measureable attributes (e.g. bigger, longer, faster etc. etc. etc) might help as well. We are not talking about one of the Olympic sports after all and are not on a racing course. There is as much pleasure in the journey as in its destination 😉 .

sexual_intimacyFrom Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

THE END

Respect in a Relationship

Respect

 

Showing Respect to Your Partner

We often focus on what we should be “getting” from our partner in terms of respect. But respect has a giving component as well…

  • Choose your words carefully
    Words come out quickly and can be hard to take back. So before launch a verbal tirade against your partner, consider the desired outcome of your words. Do you really want to “punish” your partner — or are you simply longing for him/her to be more considerate of your needs? If so, a diplomatic approach is more likely to achieve this goal.
  • Acknowledge contributions
    There’s no way around it: Your partner is going to let you down sometimes. But most likely, he or she is also making some positive contributions to the relationship. Be sure to affirm these qualities, even amid other frustrations. Doing so will help your partner lower his/her defenses and lead to a more constructive partnership.
  • Honor boundaries
    Understand and respect your partner’s personal boundaries regarding time together/apart, physical contact, etc.
  • Be willing to compromise
    Being respected doesn’t mean your needs always take priority over your partner’s. Compromise provides a relationship the flexibility it needs to keep from ripping apart.
  • Show consideration
    Help with the housework, give sincere compliments and be generally thoughtful toward your partner.
  • Be strong enough to admit when you’re wrong
    When you are confident in your self-worth, apologizing shouldn’t make you feel threatened. We all make mistakes; admitting so when it happens allows your relationship to move forward, rather than back.
  • Protect your partner
    Never compromise your partner’s physical or emotional well-being.

 

Being Respected by Your Partner

  •  Understand your worth
    Self-esteem isn’t about thinking you are better than others; however, you should have an unshakeable conviction that your thoughts, feelings and physical person warrant respect. If you are truly convinced that you are worthy of respect, others are unlikely to doubt it.
  • Act honorably
    While our fundamental human dignity calls for respect, being a person of character makes it easier for people to respect you. People who act with integrity rarely do anything to harm another person; accordingly, such people are more likely to be respected by others.
  • Be a man or woman of your word
    When you lie to your partner or break promises, you undermine trust in the relationship. And lack of trust often leads to a lack of respect.
  • Show respect
    To be truly respected, we must also respect.  If some of your partner’s actions or attitudes are causing mistrust or resentment, actively address those issues.

Respect means recognizing our own worth—and the worth of others. When we respect our partner, we are able to rise above pettiness, jealousy and cruelty. When we respect ourselves, we are able to transcend insecurity, defensiveness and fear. And respecting both ourselves and our partners enables us to build strong, lasting and mutually-supportive relationships.

(From What Respect Really Means in a Relationship)

It is good for a man…

“It is good for a man to have nothing to do with a woman. But because of the desires of the flesh, let every man have his wife, and every woman her husband. Let the husband give to the wife what is right; and let the wife do the same to the husband. The wife has not power over her body, but the husband; and in the same way the husband has not power over his body, but the wife. Do not keep back from one another what is right, but only for a short time, and by agreement, so that you may give yourselves to prayer, and come together again; so that Satan may not get the better of you through your loss of self-control…”

( Bible in Basic English )

( Photo by -seven- )

THE END