What does a woman want?

Photo by Jonaorle on Pexels.com

Sigmund Freud once said that “the great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’

We don’t know for sure what response he got when he posed that question to Princess Marie Bonaparte. It seems highly likely she replied “reliable orgasms”.

While this might be of importance to many woman, I’m not convinced that’s all they want. To me Bonaparte was responding more from a perspective of a researcher rather than a woman. She was doing a research on orgasms at that time.

As Randolph M. Nesse points out in his book Good reasons for bad feelings: insights from the frontier of evolutionary psychiatry “birth control and disease prevention have made sex more available to more people more often. … Opportunities for sexual relationships are now a world marketplace of desire and deception, from Match.com to Tinder.” Does this make women happier in life? Does this make men happier?

For some it probably does, while for others I think Bryan Adams’ song reflects it the best.

Women do want to be understood, cared about, respected, wanted and loved. I’m sure a lot of men want that too…

What about you? What do you want?

 

 

Home

A home is not where you come back to sleep
A home is where you come back to feel alive
A home is not a place to store your worries
A home is a place to let your happiness thrive

A home is not where you live in darkness
A home is where you say goodbye to gloom
A home is not where you argue and fight
A home is where you let love bloom…

May you always have home
where you feel safe, loved, cared for,
supported and accepted…

THE END

Credits:

• Image from boardroom46.com
• Poem from wishesmessages.com

Is YOUR VOICE heard and respected at home?

“My wife sent me to the supermarket to buy a fabric softener. Well, actually I was told to take a photo of the shelf of softeners and send it over: apparently, I am not qualified to choose which one to buy. So I came up to the shelf and started taking photos. Suddenly a man nearby pointed at me with his phone and said, “I can send you my photos of all the softeners here. With WhatsApp. I have a full gallery. Each bottle is a close-up from both sides.” I replied, ”No, thanks. I was just told to send the full shelf without close-ups.“ ”Clear. Lucky man…” I laughed, “Something like that, but thanks for your offer anyway. Great idea with WhatsApp.” The man smiled and said, “Sure, but the idea is not mine. See that man taking photos of detergents? He sent the photos to me. And my photo session of baby food starts now. Have fun!”

From 15 Overheard Life Stories Charged With Optimism

 

It is very well known that men generally do not like to ‘sweat the small stuff’. Therefore they are often happy to leave routine domestic decision-making to women and are often putting a great deal of their energy into placating the women in their lives in order to keep their world manageable.

Celia Lashlie however identified some areas of concern in her book “He’ll be OK”:

“The principal told me again and again that when two parents come in for a chat because their boy’s in trouble, it’s the norm for the mother to do all the talking. The principal looks towards the father and it’s obvious he has something to say, an opinion to offer, but she won’t shut up long enough for him to actually say it…. I thought it might be an overly prejudiced view, so decided to investigate a little further. The opportunity to do so arose when I found myself in front of a group of fathers.

‘Listen guys, I just want to check something out with you. Apparently when you and your wife are in the principal’s office because your son’s in a spot of bother and you’ve been called to the school, you’re really quiet, you just don’t talk.’

‘No,’ came the reply from one man.

‘Why not?’

‘Because I’ll get it wrong.’

Somewhat naively, I replied, ‘No, you can’t get it wrong, he’s your boy.’

‘Oh no,’ he said, looking straight at me, a now-familiar look of resignation on his face, ‘I’ll get it wrong… and I’ll get a pull-through when I get home.’

As he said this, several heads in the room nodded, the men seeming to relish the fact that someone had identified a situation with which they were all very familiar…

After a bit more discussion on this topic with the men, I headed back to talk to their wives and partners and, as I did so, I found myself thinking that the views expressed by the men were probably a little unfair and would offend the women I was about to talk to. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

‘The guys have just told me that when they’re in the principal’s office with you, they don’t talk because they’ll get it wrong.’

One woman didn’t even hesitate; she looked straight at me and without the slightest hint of the embarrassment I was expecting, she said, ‘He will.’

‘And he reckons he’ll get a pull-through when he gets home?’

‘I won’t wait that long – I’ll get him in the car.’

There seemed to be universal agreement with her comments and the conversation continued with one woman saying, ‘I take him to parent-teacher evenings, but he just won’t talk.’ By this time I was thinking, Yes, and I think I’m beginning to see why, so I said, ‘Well, there’s one possible solution.’

‘What’s that?’

‘You could send him by himself, then he’s going to have to talk.

At that moment the entire group of intelligent, articulate middle-class women looked as if I’d just asked them to eat a snake. (No power and control issues here, I thought to myself!)”…

THE END

Credits:

• Image 1 from the Today’s the best day
• Image 2 from pininterest
• Image 3 from Bookworm room.

Authentic Communication

From http://hr.toolbox.com

 Authentic communication is not always easy, but it is the basis of successful relationships at home and real effectiveness at work. Yet people constantly back away from honesty to protect themselves and others.

As Sheryl Sandberg points out, this reticence causes and perpetuates all kinds of problems: uncomfortable issues that never get addressed, resentment that builds, unfit managers who get promoted rather than fired, and on and on. Often these situations don’t improve because no one tells anyone what is really happening. We are so rarely brave enough to tell the truth…

From The Grumpy Poet

However, authentic communication is not simply about saying what we think at all costs. Communication works best when we combine appropriateness with authenticity, finding the sweet spot where opinions are not brutally honest but delicately honest. Speaking truth fully without hurting feelings comes naturally to some and is an acquired skill for others.

 From http://vinylzart.com

Communicaid identifies the following key elements of authentic communication:

• Take responsibility for your communication and this means not only for what you say but also ensuring it has been fully understood.  You need to have ownership of the message and be responsible for any fall-out or negative response.
• Be clear in your use of language so that you are not misinterpreted.  Avoid ambiguous language and technical or specialist jargon that may not be understood.
• Tell the truth – make sure your facts are accurate and don’t make false promises or leave people to make assumptions that are misplaced.  Also be wary of not making promises that you will not be able to deliver on.
• Don’t over-generalise or make sweeping statements such as, ‘Nobody thinks it’s a good idea’ or ‘This always happens’.
• Work with the facts and be aware of the difference between your subjective opinions and the objective facts.  Avoid second guessing and making assumptions about what others are feeling, thinking or meaning.  If in doubt, ask for clarification.
• Build a connection with the people you are communicating with.  Show them that you care and are interested in them.
• Be consistent both in what you say but also how you follow up.  Your words should match your actions and you should always endeavour to do what you say you will do within the timeframe you have promised
• Create mutual understanding by being prepared to share a little bit about yourself and by being curious about others.  Empathise with other perspectives and always try to imagine yourself in the others’ shoes.
• Build your self-awareness and keep learning about yourself.  Be aware of your own judgements and prejudices and the obstacles that prevent you from communicating authentically.  Monitor your own negative responses and learn to manage your reactions to certain triggers.

From http://www.webbstar.net

In addition to creating better relationships, building trust, managing conflict more effectively and improving team spirit, authenticity helps to create happier, more self-confident and open individuals.

THE END

The power of constructive disagreement

From Saving Your Team with Constructive Dissension

Disagreement is a precious resource in learning, judgment and decision-making. Often people avoid openly expressing disagreement in a fear of offending others or as the result of the peer or team pressure. That neglect of disagreement results in the failure to benefit from the constructive forces of disagreement, including:

1. Improved communication:

• Clarification and greater understanding of ideas
• Increased retention of relevant information
• Increased use of critical thinking skills

From http://howtobeaspeaker.com

2. More productive teamwork:

• Stimulation of interest and involvement
• Stronger working relationships and cooperation
• Increased interest and motivation for problem solving
• Increased understanding of self and others
• Increased group interaction, trust and cohesiveness
• Enhanced awareness of problems in group functioning
• Changes can be made before the group is impaired
• Decreased tension, frustration
• Higher levels of morale and satisfaction
• Decreased likelihood of acting out negative feelings indirectly

From http://www.ummaland.com

3. Better Quality decisions and problem solutions:

• More creative ideas
• More decision alternatives
• More time spent thinking through decisions

From http://leadershipforlearning.wordpress.com

Conflict is often the first step for getting rid of outdated procedures, revising regulations, changing organisational culture, fostering innovation and creativity. Addressing rather than suppressing conflict opens the lines of communication, gets people talking to each other (instead of about each other)  and makes people feel like they’re part of a team that cares. As a result, people learn how to work harmoniously, come up with creative solutions and reach outcomes that benefit everyone involved.

From http://www.joegerstandt.com

However many of us are programmed to avoid conflict or do not know how to handle disagreement in a constructive way. So we have quiet, reserved, polite workplaces, but there is a whole bunch of “stuff” simmering below the surface. We cannot be honest and disagree with each other. We sit around the conference table and nod our heads up and down, and then after the meeting we tell the truth to a smaller group of peers with whom we actually feel comfortable being honest.

From http://www.fundable.com

Below are some ideas to help your team learn to voice dissenting opinions and resolve disagreements in a constructive way:

1. Raise awareness: Let members know that disagreement can be healthy and that the team encourages constructive tension. This will help set the stage and encourage more “voices” to come forward.
2. Value listening: Draft listening as a core value of the team. Ultimately, we cannot learn from dissension if our hearts and minds are not really open to the conversation.
3. Respect always rules: Constructive dissension boils down to team members offering respect to their colleagues. When this principle is ignored, any level of disagreement can quickly become unhealthy. If you have any sense of being on shaky ground after engaging in an intellectual battle with someone, patch that rift with kind words, support and willingness to listen. You may have to retreat for a while until things cool down, but you must let the other person know that you still respect and admire them.
4. Encourage dissenting opinions: Teach team members how to disagree diplomatically. Many individuals may want to disagree, yet are not sure how to avoid “causing trouble”. Offer ways to speak up by suggesting healthy “templates” or a “scripts” to do so.
5. Pose alternatives: If they find fault with an idea or strategy — be sure that team members attempt to offer an improved version or alternative solution. Constructive criticism is always preferred.
6. Deal with dyad issues: If two members seem to be experiencing personal conflict, ensure this does not play out during team meetings. Encourage a dialogue to resolve core issues outside of the team and contain “toxic spills” rooted in personal issues.
7. Focus on solutions, not the “win”: Ultimately, one single idea does not have to “win” — and this can help take the pressure out of collaboration. Masters of innovation such as Pixar, combine the ideas of many contributors to formulate solutions. In this way being honest and open, won’t take sway from another team member’s work.

 
From http://www.madofficehero.com

The same rules apply to handling disagreement within the family: never stop caring and listening no matter how angry you are.

From Pinterest

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Resources:

• Saving Your Team with Constructive Dissension
• Learn to disagree and argue constructively
• Benefits of open disagreement

THE END

Salad Bowl of Multiple Identities

“We don’t need a melting pot…, folks. We need a salad bowl. In a salad bowl, you put in the different things. You want the vegetables – the lettuce, the cucumbers, the onions, the green peppers – to maintain their identity. You appreciate differences.”

Jane Elliot

“My first exposure to murder,” the Nobel-winning economist Amartya Sen writes in “Identity and Violence” “occurred when I was 11.” It was 1944, a few years before the end of the British Raj and a period of widespread Hindu-Muslim riots. The victim was “a profusely bleeding unknown person suddenly stumbling through the gate to our garden, asking for help and a little water.” Rushed to the hospital by Sen’s father, the man died there of his injuries. He was Kader Mia, a Muslim day laborer knifed by Hindus. He had been asked by his wife not to go into a hostile area of then-undivided Bengal. But he had to feed his starving family, and he paid with his life.

To the young Sen, this event was not just traumatic but mystifying. How was it, Sen asks …, that “… human beings … were suddenly transformed into the ruthless Hindus and fierce Muslims…”? And how was it that Kader Mia would be seen as having only one identity — that of being Muslim — by Hindus who were, like him, out in the unprotected open because they too were starving? “For a bewildered child,” Sen remembers, “the violence of identity was extraordinarily hard to grasp.” And, he confesses, “it is not particularly easy even for a still bewildered elderly adult.”

From Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

In his book “Identity and Violence”  Amartya Sentakes aims at what he calls the ” ‘solitarist’ approach to human identity, which sees human beings as members of exactly one group.” This view, he argues, is not just morally undesirable, but descriptively wrong. Instead, Sen invokes the myriad identities within each individual. The people of the world can be classified according to many other partitions, each of which has some—often far-reaching—relevance in our lives: nationalities, locations, occupations, social status, languages, politics, and many others, including identity common to all – HUMANS. Because all of us contain multitudes, we can choose among our identities, emphasizing those we share with others rather than those we do not.

Let’s focus on our shared identities and appreciate differences for peace around the world.

From We Are Allowed to Be Human

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Was it easier for you to accept the differences between the women in the video below, once you saw their shared identity?

THE END

Stepping into the New Year: Focus on sweetness, forget the pain…

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

( William Shakespeare, 1564-1616 )

( Photo by epsilon-delta )

As Chuck Palahniuk once said, “It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

It is time to break that pattern, it is time to get free from its chains. Try focusing on the sweet side to ease the pain.

Easier to say then to do you might say… Well, may be, the following 6 tips from When Love Bugs You might help?

1. Talk about your marriage. This seems like an obvious tip on how to make a relationship last, but it’s surprisingly difficult to talk about your relationship! Talking about your relationship can make it better – even if you don’t solve your problems immediately. Just talking about your marriage brings you closer together. Or, it can help you realize that you may not want to save your marriage after all.

2. Recognize when you’re pulling away emotionally and physically. Recognize when you’re pulling away and do the exact opposite. So, instead of retreating to your shell, tell your partner why you’re retreating. No blame or guilt trips: just honesty.

3. Be honest with your partner about how to make your relationship last. Decide together if marriage counseling will help your relationship last a long time. Couples therapy is an effective way of building better relationships if both partners are committed. One partner can’t save a marriage alone. When you’re in the thick of things, you can’t see if you or your partner is being unreasonable (usually, it’s a little of both). An objective third party — a marriage or couples counselor — can help you make your marriage work by bridging communication gaps and helping you see your marriage clearly.

4. Figure out what you need from your relationship. To build a better marriage, each partner needs to be clear about their hopes and expectations.

5. Decide what you can give to your relationship. Perhaps the best tip on making a relationship last is about what you can give to your marriage (not necessarily what you can get). A secret of happy couples is to be clear about your needs, but it’s equally or perhaps more important to figure out where you’re dropping the ball. How can you build a better marriage by improving yourself?

6. Learn how to argue in healthy ways. Building a better relationship with your spouse means you need to stop blaming, criticizing, or belittling your partner. Regardless of how your husband or wife treats you, you need to communicate with love and respect. You can’t change your partner, but you can change how you respond to her or him. As Ann Landers once said, “All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest. Good arguments are healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.”

And no matter how angry we are, lets never stop being caring.

From Funi Pics

Lets leave all the grudges in the old 2013 year and commit to making the New Year sweeter than the past.

Have a peaceful and happy New Year. 🙂

From Images List

Related posts:

• Marriage is a relationship in which…
• Responsible Parenting: Happy Parents = Happy Children
• Mythbusting marriage and romance
• The most romantic love story…
• The course of true love never did run smooth…
• Cracking the Communication Code Between Men And Women
• Developing Emotional Sensitivity

THE END

Super Bunch of Awards for my blogo-family

Last August my blog received a Super Bunch of Awards from Ajay, a very kind friend with compassionate heart and beautiful soul. Check out Ajay’s personal opening to the world at http://ajaytao2010.wordpress.com/

I would like to pass this bunch of awards to all members of my blogo-family. Thanks for all your kind words and insightful comments. My blog would not be the same without all of you.

As Richard Bach once said, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” Thanks for sharing your thoughts, bringing joy into my blogo-journey and treating all my posts with respect.

🙂

THE END

Family isn’t always blood…

From Healthy Thoughts

Family isn’t always blood.
It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs;
The ones who accept you for what you are.
The ones who would do anything to see you smile;
And who love you no matter what.

THE END

When a father gives to his son, both laugh, when a son gives to his father, both cry…

From Quotesville

Last week I came across a few nice stories about fathers and son. Hope you’ll enjoy them. Feel free to add your stories about amazing fathers and sons to that post or, may be, create one in your own life 🙂

* * *

A poor farmer supported his son finished college.
On the graduation day, the son said his father is his biggest pride.
(From 1,000,000 pictures)

* * *

“Eighty-five times he’s pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he’s not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars – all in the same day.

Dick’s also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much – except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

“He’ll be a vegetable the rest of his life,” Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. “Put him in an institution.”

But the Hoyts weren’t buying it. They noticed the way Rick’s eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. “No way,” Dick says he was told. “There’s nothing going on in his brain.”

“Tell him a joke,” Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain.

Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? “Go Bruins!” And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, “Dad, I want to do that.”

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described “porker” who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. “Then it was me who was handicapped,” Dick says. “I was sore for two weeks.”

That day changed Rick’s life. “Dad,” he typed, “when we were running, it felt like I wasn’t disabled anymore!”

And that sentence changed Dick’s life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

“No way,” Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren’t quite a single runner, and they weren’t quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway. Then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, “Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?”

How’s a guy who never learned to swim and hadn’t ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried.

Now they’ve done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don’t you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you’d do on your own? “No way,” he says. Dick does it purely for “the awesome feeling” he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992 – only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don’t keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

“No question about it,” Rick types. “My dad is the Father of the Century.”

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. “If you hadn’t been in such great shape,” one doctor told him, “you probably would’ve died 15 years ago.”

So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other’s life.”

From Web of Love

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Related posts:

• My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it…
• Real Fathers, Real Men
• Why do men need fathers?
• Only a Dad

THE END