From Bougie Confession: I don’t believe in Soul Mates
It’s not enough to know that marriage changes over time as described in my previous post The course of true love never did run smooth…. Myths about marriage—beliefs we hold as true that have no basis in reality or scientific evidence—also help sustain, and sometimes create, marriage problems.
To assess your beliefs in marital myths, rate how much you agree or disagree with each of the statements below:
- The central fire of human happiness is romantic love. You can’t be happy without romance.
- Everyone has a ‘perfect’ soul mate (Prince Charming/Princess Perfect). Sustaining a successful relationship is effortless once you find that ‘right’ person and everlasting happiness will follow.
- If my spouse loves me, he/she should instinctively know what I want and need to be happy.
- No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because he/she is my spouse.
- I can change my spouse by pointing out his/her inadequacies, errors, and other flaws. Once he/she is changed, we’ll be ‘happy ever after’.
From The Soul Mate Quest
For each of the myths you agreed with, think of your reasoning in support of the myth. For example, who/what taught you this myth? What evidence do you have that this myth is true or false? How did these beliefs affected relationships you had in your life? If you are convinced that these statements are true, have a look at the resources provided at the bottom of this post.
However don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. There is nothing wrong with romantic love, only with the myths around it. Clean your relationship from all the unrealistic myths and memes and enjoy real love with a real person happily ever after.
From Dad… One Day I will Make You Proud
Resources:
- The Myth of Romantic Love
- Myths of romantic love
- Overcoming Myth about Marriage
- Letting go of the ‘perfect soul mate’ myth
- The Soul Mate Quest
- Marriage: Myth vs. Reality
Related posts:
- The course of true love never did run smooth…
- The most romantic love story…
- Marriage is not a ritual or an end…
- Love is caring for each other even when you’re angry
- Love and Marriage
THE END
Otrazhenie 
Some people claim that the person that they marry is their soul mate. I don’t necessarily believe that to be true. You can have a soul mate that is a friend on the other side of the world. You speak to them, and your souls touch. You know you are soul mates and the type that you are, means that you should never be together in a relationship. Sometimes a soul mate can just be someone like a big brother or a big sister. Not necessarily being the big brother or sister, just being similar.
I guess what I am trying to say is, maybe you start chatting to another blogger and then chat in other means and you realise that your souls are intertwined in a way that can’t be broken. If you were to get together and have a relationship, that would be a mistake as the hearts ignore the souls and push them down.
That’s my opinion anyway
Very well said, Alastair. Totally agree with you on that. Like you, I do feel that ‘soulmates’ are different from friends and spouses. I also feel that a person can have more than one ‘soulmate’ and such ‘soulmates’ are important for getting a better understanding of yourself through the eyes of another person as well as getting a better understanding of others, which in turn might help in your marriage/relationship.
It wasn’t until recently that I realised this. When I found a soul mate, I know I will never meet her, but she has changed me in ways I would never have thought possible. She has opened me up when I was shut down, and now I am on dating sites after I had said that I would remain single for the rest of my life (something to do with cave trolls and sociopaths).I had her write out my blurb for the dating sites. Well, she offered. It was better because we are (well most of us are) self depreciating when it comes to ourselves.
Yes, it is possible to have more than one soul mate. Each one can’t teach you everything you need to learn. So several help you to learn what you need to get though life.
Glad that you found such a good soulmate and wish you all the best in the future. By the time we met my spouse lost any hope to have a family and children after being single for decades. I was scared even to think about starting a family, as the family I had as a child was so bad, that any thought of marrying someone terrified me. Now we have a family with wonderful children and looking back I can honestly say that creating my own family was the best thing in my life. It was the turning point, that changed my life completely and helped me to evolve into a person I’m now.
Never say never, Alastair, but at the same time don’t fall into any of the romantic myths and traps, including the belief that you can’t be happy if you are not married. You can. Never lose focus on finding joy in your present life no matter whether you are single or in a relationship. I think that’s the key.
Thank you Otrazhenie. I am glad that you met your other half. I was married once, (cave troll http://kattermonran.com/2012/08/17/because-of-you/ ) and then had a relationship (sociopath http://kattermonran.com/2010/11/08/everything-changes-eventually/ ) and so shut myself down. Being a happier person now though, I feel I could have a long relationship with someone, but I am going forward with both eyes open. I am glad that your family changed your outlook that was imprinted on you.
I’m so sorry to hear about the bad experience you had in the past. Hope writing about it helped you to get it all out and leave it in the past. I did the same – I wrote a brief post about my childhood experience at https://otrazhenie.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/the-complexities-of-domestic-violence/ to get it out and move on. Try not to focus on bad experiences in the past and don’t blame yourself for whatever happened then. I know it is hard, but it is impossible to move forward while dragging all the ‘bricks’ from the past. I wish you all the best in your present and in your future 🙂
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Otrazhenie,
I suspect you are fairly soulmated up…..
RidicuRyder
Hm, not sure about that. ‘Soulmated up’ sounds too quantitative to me. Up or down – who cares? I am pleased however that I came across lots of amazing ‘souls’ in the blogosphere, who inspire me to keep blogging. 🙂
All soulmates then 🙂
Well, With all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true:
I have just one life and just one love and, my love, that love is you.
And if it wasn’t for you, baby,
I really think that I would
have somebody else.
that’s all i can say.
Thanks for visiting my blog, Nissa, and for your poetical comment. Glad that we met in a blogosphere 🙂
I have a great partner but I will admit sometimes the marriage part alludes me…and I have to remember that we are both human with flaws and annoying habits. Thanks for this post!
It is hard to remember sometimes that we are all humans with flaws and very annoying habits and it is so easy to get caught in one of those unrealistic myths. I need to constantly remind myself about that – hence that post 🙂 . Glad that you liked it 🙂
Loving the “real.”
Hope your ‘real’ one is loving the ‘real’ you too 😉
You might be interested in my article Sleeping With The Enemy: http://goo.gl/8AYdV
Very interesting post. Thanks for sharing it. Enjoyed reading it, though I felt that your literature overview was a bit coloured by gender-specific biases. Below is an example of the ‘missing’ literary pieces 😉 :
Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart,
‘Tis woman’s whole existence; man may range
The court, camp, church, the vessel, and the mart;
Sword, gown, gain, glory, offer in exchange
Pride, fame, ambition, to fill up his heart,
And few there are whom these cannot estrange;
Men have all these resources, we but one,
To love again, and be again undone.
( from “Don Juan” by Lord Byron, 1824)
I found this article very down to earth. I had a score of 0 out of 5.
What does that mean?
Your score in critical thinking must be very high then – not an easy prey for myths and viruses of the mind. Well done 🙂
When I met my husband I didn’t believe in life long partners/soul mates. Coming from a broken family, I just couldn’t rationalise how two people could continue to grow in the same direction for their whole lives. But so far so good – 17 years later, and somehow my hubby and I have managed to remain together, still happy and in love. I have to agree wholeheartedly with your myths. You need more than romance, you have to work at it, be prepared to compromise and be flexible, and you both need to be happy with who you are.
Great post
Glad that you liked this post. It is so nice to hear good stories like yours. Thanks for sharing it. Wish you and your husband many more happy years together 🙂
I love any blog that uses the word “memes.” Good stuff Otrazhenie.
Thanks. Glad to come across such a meme-addicted reader. I’ve got a little collection of memes and viruses of the mind at https://otrazhenie.wordpress.com/cultural-memes/ . This post is one of the gems from my little collection 🙂
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[…] the time I was born. My parents had different ideas on what marriage is about. My mum was full of myths about handsome princes from fairytales and was not well prepared for real family life. My dad simply wanted to have a good family with a […]