Tag Archives: Psychology

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Be careful who you give your heart to…

unmasked

Infidelity is a major factor in broken marriages. It destroys families, and paves the way for traumatic experiences for children.

Cheating does not always mean actual sexual activity. Emotional cheating and flirting are still considered as cheating.

The cheater’s actions hurt the spouse who was betrayed, their children, their families, close friends. But these aren’t the only people infidelity hurts. Cheating hurts the cheater too.

Despite the initial thrill of an affair, cheating often negatively affects the cheater emotionally. It’s common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing when they contemplate how their actions impact those they love and why they cheated in the first place.

When they think about and experience how their actions impact them and others they feel the sting and anguish of their poor judgment.

All of these thoughts swirling through their heads and the rollercoaster of their emotions can lead cheaters to live two completely different lives while the affair continues. One where they feel the addictive ecstasy of love and one where they feel hatred.

Of course, living these two polar-opposite lives puts extreme stress not only on themselves, but on their marriage too. And when the spouse does discover the truth, they will feel pain to their core as they rightfully wonder what part of the relationship with their wayward spouse was real and what part was a lie.

Not only can the spouse now blame the cheater for every bad thing that happens to them and every problem in their relationship, but their children get to blame them too. If they feel depressed, if they cheat or their spouse cheats on them, that will be their cheater-parent’s fault. When their children are sitting on the therapist’s couch unmarried, unloved and childless at 44, the cheater-parent will be the reason they can’t trust or make and keep commitments.

Cheaters often are not able to trust others to be loyal to them. After all if they did this themselves, anyone can. If they could violate trust and hurt someone they love in such a deeply damaging way, what’s to stop others from doing it to them?

Being on the receiving end of the pain their spouse is suffering because of the cheating can easily become too much for the straying spouse. At one extreme, they may deny their responsibility for causing the pain and blame their spouse for forcing them to cheat. At the other extreme, they may feel they deserve the punishment, accept it as just, and live out the rest of their lives as a mere shadow of their true selves.

How cheating affects the cheater is complicated and painful. Why do they cheat then?

There are a lot of reasons why cheaters cheat, including:

  • emotional immaturity,
  • personality disorders: narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and psychopathy.
  • childhood trauma, or
  • being raised with bad influence regarding relationships.

Cheaters often deeply fear abandonment and seek out their second relationship as something of a security blanket against physical or emotional loneliness.

Repeat cheaters often have certain core negative beliefs. They feel unworthy, feel no one can genuinely love them and so on. As a result of these insecurities, people addicted to cheating tend to avoid intimacy and to compartmentalise and split off part of their sexual, romantic or intimate life. Being intimate with a spouse is problematic for them and they find an escape.

People who cheat will look for opportunities where the potential mate may be in a vulnerable state, such as after a break-up or divorce. When the preyed-upon is in a more vulnerable state, they are more likely to be open to and engage in the cheating behavior because they miss the feeling of being loved and are not emotionally grounded enough yet to set secure boundaries.

Like with all addictions, repeat cheating is a dependency on a ‘drug’ to escape pain, fear and other negative emotions.

The prospects for repeat cheaters can be good if addicts give up all the related behaviours and get treatment that addresses their insecurities and their fears around intimacy; in other words the “deeper work”. This might involve:

  1. Professional help to uncover the root cause of cheating
  2. Practicing total transparency with the spouse OR
  3. Changing the relationship type. Instead of cheating, they can find partners who are comfortable with non-monogamy. Sometimes it is better to follow a less traditional — but honest — path, then live a life of destruction, betrayal and lies.

As with all recovery, it takes time and treatment to change a lifelong adaptation. It also takes vigilance. Even well into recovery, addicts may still be drawn to sexual validation and non-sexual forms of cheating. But these behaviors will continue to fade away over the years.

Resources:

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Is FUN=RUN and FREE=FLEE?

Trees

I like this quote by Ram Dass, though not all people I see as trees. Some are more like bushes to me, others – tumbleweeds that roll wherever wind blows them… with neither roots, nor attachments in life…

Tomas and Sabina from ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’ look like such tumbleweeds to me… so light, so fun and always on the run to flee any attachments and stay free… A very heavy burden for demisexual Tereza who can’t separate sexual attraction and lust  from love and emotional connection…

This ”lightness of being’ philosophy however is not new… For centuries it was practiced by the rich and powerful. Only they could afford it, often at the expense of common people as reflected in one of the Russian proverb from the “good old days”: “Do not promote me to Corporal, but do not touch my wife”…

In modern Western societies the ‘lightness of being’ philosophy of casual relationships is becoming more common. It is often associated with earlier stages in life, with exploring life before making long-term choices and settling in.

While such behaviour is no longer considered ‘abnormal’ as it does not violate norms of the modern Western society, it can cause the person distress if ‘avoidant’ style of attachments starts dominating person’s life, preventing that person from forming deep meaningful relationships, having family and children.

According to Darlene Lancer, “around 25 percent of the population has avoidant attachment style. People with avoidant attachment style avoid closeness and value their independence and self-sufficiency more than intimacy. They can enjoy closeness — to a limit. In relationships, they act self-sufficient and self-reliant and aren’t comfortable sharing feelings. They protect their freedom and delay commitment. Once committed, they create mental distance with ongoing dissatisfaction about their relationship, focusing on their partner’s minor flaws or reminiscing about their single days or another idealised relationship…

Although most people don’t change their attachment style, it can be altered to be more or less secure depending upon experiences and conscious effort. To change your style to be more secure, seek relationships with others who are capable of a secure attachment. You can easily spot them as they radiate warmth. Loving comes naturally to them. They accept people’s minor shortcomings and treat them with love and respect. They don’t play games or manipulate but are direct and able to openly and assertively share their needs and feelings.”

You can also try the following:

Attachment style affects all aspects of the relationship, including sex life. Resolve all barriers to intimacy and don’t let the ‘lightness of being’ to become unbearable…

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References:

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Do you speak loudly with non-verbal communication?

people sitting on chair

Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels.com

 

 

“At a conference I attended recently as a guest speaker I was sitting waiting to address a group of around 300 women. As I watched them come into the hall, I began to take note of the noise they were making. It seemed they were all talking at once. I decided to see if I could focus on just what had them so energised: perhaps they were discussing the world situation on the context of the Iraq war or maybe the political situation here at home. But no, they were talking about which chair they were going to sit in – ‘Hey Mary, let’s go up the front’, ‘Sally, I think we should go over here’, ‘Has anyone seen Jude? She might want to sit with us’, ‘Where do you reckon you’ll hear here better, up the back, or over here?’ ‘Are the seats allocated, do you think? Will it be all right to sit here?’ The discussion continued for several minutes then gradually came to a halt as the women settled into their chairs, checking as they did so that everyone around them was happy with the seating arrangements….

I’m reasonably sure I can guarantee that if 300 men were coming into a hall in similar circumstances, there wouldn’t be one conversation about which chair to sit in. If there was any conversation at all, it would be low level, short bursts of speech and equally short responses. ‘Good game last night.’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Michael Campbell seems to have hit his stride.’ ‘Yeah.’ But if you actually watched what was going on, you’d see a lot of communication occurring. If one guy wanted another to sit next to him, he’d just nod towards a chair and raise an eyebrow and the other man would know exactly what he meant. He wouldn’t speak; he wouldn’t  need to. He’d just sit down.”

From “He’ll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men”
by Celia Lashlie

From http://2.bp.blogspot.com

Celia’s observation highlights some interesting differences in predominant communication style used within a group of men in comparison with the predominant communication style used within a group of women.

However if we take a closer look at individuals in both groups, we might discover a huge range of communication styles and preferences within each gender. We might also notice individuals of both genders shifting styles dramatically from one context to another.

From https://farm8.staticflickr.com

 

What is your predominant communication style?

Do you speak loudly with non-verbal communication?

OR

Do you speak silently with words?

 

😉

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Cracking the Communication Code Between Men And Women

never-listen-to-meFrom The Truth About Communication Between Men And Women

While much has been said about women being from Venus and men being from Mars, the reality is that we all live on the same planet Earth and need to interact with each other in different ways on a daily basis.

How can we crack the communication code between men and women? Luckily technology can help us even with that difficult task. Check out the Manslator: the Official Woman Language Translator:

Or you can use a professional Human Gender Translator:

Off-the-mark-on-men-vs_-womenFrom Gender Translator

Its fun to look at communication differences between men and women but we also have to be careful in avoiding stereotypes. As Simma Lieberman points out, “we are all on a continuum and there are women that have some traits that might be attributed to the male style or there are times when it is necessary to use the male style and the same for men. … Whether its nature or nurture, there may be individuals who possess almost none of the traits attributed to their gender. They may have been teased, harassed or excluded from things because of this, which is why its important to know and understand male and female cultural norms but also recognize that many people don’t fit the mold.

So while we call certain styles male and certain styles female because research has shown that different ways of thinking, processing, perceiving and behaving is present in at least 55% of the male and female population, that leaves up to 45% that may not fit the description.”

article-2273972-175F104B000005DC-767_306x425From Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus? Actually we’re on the same planet!

😉

Resources:

Related posts:

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Managing Stress: Create calm, at work and in your personal life

From http://www.mahederetena.com

Many of us experience stress in life, whether this is in the short term from one-off projects, or long-term stress from a high-pressure career.

Not only can this be profoundly unpleasant, it can seriously affect our health and our work. However, it is possible to manage stress, if you use the right tools and techniques.

 From http://georgianbaymt.blogspot.co.nz

What is Stress?

A widely accepted definition of stress, attributed to psychologist and professor Richard Lazarus, is, “a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize.”

This means that we experience stress if we believe that we don’t have the time, resources, or knowledge to handle a situation. In short, we experience stress when we feel “out of control.”

This also means that different people handle stress differently, in different situations: you’ll handle stress better if you’re confident in your abilities, if you can change the situation to take control, and if you feel that you have the help and support needed to do a good job.

 From http://inspireandmotivateme.blogspot.co.nz

Signs of Stress

Everyone reacts to stress differently. However, some common signs and symptoms include:

  • Cold or sweaty hands and feet.
  • Insomnia, nightmares, disturbing dreams
    Persistent difficulty concentrating.
  • Social withdrawal or isolation.
  • Constant tiredness, weakness, fatigue
  • Increased frustration, irritability, edginess
  • Significant weight gain or loss.
  • Consistent feelings of being overwhelmed or overloaded.
  • Feelings of loneliness or worthlessness.
  • Frequent crying spells, depression or suicidal thoughts

From https://www.boundless.com

 How to Manage Stress

The first step in managing stress is to understand where these feeling are coming from.

Keep a stress diary to identify the causes of short-term or frequent stress in your life. As you write down events, think about why this situation stresses you out. Also, use the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale to identify specific events that could put you at risk of long-term stress.

Then, consider using some of the approaches below to manage your stress. You’ll likely be able to use a mix of strategies from each area.

From http://www.pinterest.com

1. Action-Oriented Approaches

With action-oriented approaches, you take action to change the stressful situations, e.g.:

  • Manage your time and priorities
  • Be more assertive in managing your boundaries
  • Take action to minimize stress in your working environment.

From http://mindfulcogitations.blogspot.co.nz

2. Emotion-Oriented Approaches

Emotion-oriented approaches are useful when the stress you’re experiencing comes from the way that you perceive a situation.

To change how you think about stressful situations:

From http://www.9monthsin9monthsout.com

3. Acceptance-Oriented Approaches

Acceptance-oriented approaches apply to situations where you have no power to change what happens, and where situations are genuinely bad.

To build your defenses against stress:

  • Use techniques like meditation and physical relaxation to calm yourself when you feel stressed.
  • Take advantage of your support network (e.g. your family and friends).
  • Get enough exercise and sleep, and learn how to make the most of your down time, so that you can recover from stressful events
  • Use laughter, humour and smile to de-stress yourself and transform stress to strength 🙂

From https://www.linkedin.com/

How are you coping with stress in your life? 
What approach helps you the most?

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Are you NORMAL?

From http://www.thepiphanycafe.com/

I was always fascinated with what is considered to be ‘normal’ for us, human beings. As Dr. Eric R. Maisel points out, “This is not an idle question without real-world consequences. The “treatment” of every single “mental disorder” that mental health professionals “diagnose,” from “depression” and “attention deficit disorder” on through “schizophrenia,” flows from how society construes “normal” and “abnormal.” This matter affects tens of millions of people annually; and affects everyone, really, since a person’s mental model of “what is normal?” is tremendously influenced by how society and its institutions define “normal.”

From The Illusion of Normal

The matter of what is normal can’t be and must not be a mere statistical nicety. It can’t be and must not be “normal” to be a Christian just because 95% of your community is Christian. It can’t be and must not be “normal” to own slaves just because all the landowners in your state own slaves. “Normal” can’t mean and must not mean “what we see all the time” or “what we see the most of.” It must have a different meaning from that for it to mean anything of value to right-thinking people.

conformity.jpgFrom http://blog.lib.umn.edu

Nor can it mean “free of discomfort,” as if “normal” were the equivalent of oblivious and you were somehow “abnormal” when you were sentient, human, and real. This, however, is exactly the game played by the mental health industry: it makes this precise, illegitimate switch. It announces that when you feel a certain level of discomfort you are abnormal and you have a disorder. It equates abnormal with unwanted… In this view “normal” is living free of excessive discomfort; “abnormal” is feeling or acting significantly distressed. Normal, in this view, is destroying a village in wartime and not experiencing anything afterward; abnormal is experiencing something, and for a long time thereafter.

Nazi mass murderFrom https://www.hawaii.edu

 The consequences of conscience, reason, and awareness are labeled abnormal and robotic allegiance to wearing a pasted-on smiley face is designated normal. Is that what we really mean? Is that what we really want?”

From What Do We Mean By ‘Normal’?


From http://akyll.deviantart.com

How would you define what is NORMAL
for us, human beings?

Are you NORMAL?

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Do you feel comfortable tooting your own horn?


From http://theundercoverrecruiter.com

In our era of consumerism everything seems to be a matter of sale, including employment. Job hunters are often expected to “sell, sell and sell themselves” with self-confidence considered as one of the key selling points. 

As Broadside points out on her blog, you’ve got to have “the brass-knuckled self-confidence” or “fake successfully and project consistently… to meet the right people, say the right things, answer with the requisite ballsiness… Anyone modest or self-deprecating is quickly and easily trampled by the brazen, who will become your boss.” You are expected to be “chest-beating and telling everyone how amaaaaaaaaaazing you are.”

why do you fail at Job Interviews

 From http://www.webkhabhar.com

I thought about that while scanning environment for interesting opportunities. Would I feel comfortable tooting — or blaring — my own horn?

Well, if I was desperate for a job to feed my children and that was the only way of getting a job, then yes, I would. I would act, I would toot, I would blare all the horns. Luckily, I’m not that desperate. I do have a choice and I choose intellectual humility.


From http://raiseyourvoiceacting.com

What is ‘intellectual humility’ you may ask? The following definition provided by the  Thrive Center for Human Development appeals to me the most: “Intellectual humility has to do with understanding that you don’t know everything, that there is more to learn, that you don’t use your knowledge or expertise as a way to get advantage over others and that, in discussions with others, you are respectful, listening closely to what the other has to say in order to learn something.”

From http://reasonandlogic.wordpress.com/

From ancient times intellectual humility has been seen as foundational to knowledge itself. Intellectual humility depends on recognizing that one should not claim more than one actually knows and acknowledges the vast areas of unknown. “To know, is to know that you know nothing”, in the words of Socrates (470-399BC)


From http://izquotes.com

Voltaire (1694 – 1778) – the most widely-read of the Enlightenment spokesmen – followed that tradition of intellectual humility: “The more we think, the more we realize that we know nothing.”


From http://statusmind.com

Einstein followed this ancient tradition with his famous formula of knowledge: “More the Knowledge Lesser the Ego, Lesser the Knowledge More the Ego”.

From http://enrichthoughts.blogspot.co.nz

 Psychology provides an interesting insight into intellectual humility and its opposite – intellectual arrogance. According to psychological research, human beings are notoriously disposed to over-estimate their intellectual strengths and under-estimate their weaknesses; indeed, the evidence is clear that there is a strong tendency even to under-estimate our liability to such biases!

Some clinicians have argued that intellectual arrogance is necessary for maintaining mental health as the intellectually humble, who see themselves and their condition with unmitigated clarity, are more susceptible to forms of depression, for example.  Does that psychological ‘wiring’ however means that intellectual humility has no place in the workforce?


From http://www.buzzle.com

Intellectual humility is not only associated with deeper understanding and knowledge. According to the  Thrive Center for Human Development, evidence indicates correlations between intellectual humility and important morally salient traits such as a willingness to forgive others, a lack of aggression, and helpfulness. Moreover, psychologists have discovered traits and behaviors associated with intellectual humility that facilitate learning, personal growth, and social interaction.


From http://meetville.com

Do you feel comfortable tooting your own horn?
Would you hire a tooting horn?

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Dust If You Must…

Dust if you must
From http://myhoneysplace.com

Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better,
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come ’round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not always kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

From Inspiration Peak

Family playing outdoorsFrom Making Family Bonding a Priority

* * *

I grew up under the despotic rule of cleanies. Everything was supposed to be pristine, tidy and clean 24 hours a day 7 days a week just in case a neighbour or a friend would come for a visit unexpectedly. There was no time or space left for life, smiles or laughter. Everything was completely cleaned out. Expected unexpected neighbours and visitors never came either…

Don’t feel sad, woman from the 1950s! TaskEasy will clean your house for you!From Pinterest

The family I got married into turned out to be completely opposite. It was full of characters, as clearly reflected in their houses.

Messy house

http://www.pinterest.com/

It did not take long for me to realise that the only way of keeping the house clean was by banning from entering the house anybody genetically related to that side of the family (including my own children). Hm, that was not a good solution, was it?

I have discovered the secret to a clean house - never allow your husband or children to enter it! Xtreme Services Cleaning & Restoration in Shelby Township, MI can help you with all of your household and commercial needs! Give us a call at (586) 477-9496 to schedule an appointment or visit our website www.xtreme-servicesinc.com for more information!

http://www.pinterest.com/

After a while we worked out the threshold of messiness that our family can tolerate with the whole family sharing efforts in keeping the house somewhere above that threshold. Our house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy, with lots of games, giggles and fun. 🙂

My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.
From http://www.rottenecards.com

If you have some super neat freaks in your family, give them a hug and point out to them that:

  • Alexander Fleming was teased by colleagues for his disorderly desk. He kept everything – notes, slides, test tubes – in case he had a new idea or noticed a change. He was clearing his desk in 1928 when a dot of mould in an old petri dish led to his discovery of penicillin. May be, your clutter will lead to a world-changing discovery too?
    😉
  • a study by researchers at Columbia Business School found that people who kept a neat desk spent 36 per cent more time looking for things than people who kept a “fairly messy” desk. Filing and retrieving things from files takes precious time.
    😉
  • Albert Einsteins’s untamed hair signified his attitude to neatness. “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?” he declared.
    😉

[Einstein.bmp]From http://bp1.blogger.com/

But look at tidy people in history and who do you see? Dictators, secret policemen and oppressors. Hitler was known for his love of neatness and order; Mussolini kept an immaculately tidy desk. Saddam Hussein’s guards have told of the former Iraqi dictator’s obsession with cleanliness – he washed his hands after every handshake.

Besides, what if burglars break into your house? Surely, you would not want to make it too easy for them. 😉

My house isn't messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for any burglars that try to break in.

http://www.pinterest.com

A good obstacle course might also help your family to stay fit 😉

Funny Family Ecard: Our house is not messy, we just like obstacle courses.
From http://www.someecards.com/

Last but not least, if your super-freaky-neat-in-laws come for a visit, reassure them that your house was super-freaky-neatly clean… last week. It is such a pity that they missed it 😉

From pinterest

If you are a neat freak living in a messy household, don’t despair. Ignoring the problem won’t work.  You’ll need to face it honestly, but respectfully.

Instead of constantly nagging about everything that needs to be done, identify the chores that are most important to you. For example, if you are most concerned with the living room looking presentable, ask for your spouse’s help in keeping the room clear of shoes, clothes, junk mail, etc. Don’t forget to explain why 😉

Go easy on yourself and your family. Take an objective step back and ask if your average guest would really notice that the baseboards haven’t been dusted recently.

Don’t forget to enjoy life. Allow yourself to relax with your spouse or get out and do something fun. Looking back on their younger years, few people will say, “If only I had spent more time cleaning.” 😉

And don’t worry if you never have that amazing feeling when you got to bed knowing your entire house is super-clean. Neither do I 😉

From http://www.faithfilledfoodformoms.com

Resources:

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