Do you ever feel lonely in your relationship?
Loneliness is a very painful feeling… You might believe that the people who feel lonely are people who are not in a relationship, but as Margaret Paul points out, just as often, they are lonely in their relationship. Being in a relationship does not always take away loneliness – it often causes it.
What Creates Loneliness in a Relationship?
- You may feel lonely with your partner if your heart is closed because you are protecting yourself from hurt with your anger or withdrawal. You cannot connect when you are closed and protected.
- You may feel lonely with your partner when your partner is closed and angry, or withdrawn and uncommunicative. You will feel lonely if your partner deliberately shuts you out with work, TV, food, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet and so on.
- You may feel lonely when you are trying to have control over your partner’s feelings by giving yourself up. Being inauthentic in order to control how your partner feels about you does not lead to authentic connection.
- You may feel lonely with your partner when one or both of you are closed to learning when a conflict arises. The unwillingness to have open communication about important issues creates walls between you.
- You may feel lonely if you or your partner use your sexual relationship as a form of control.
- You will feel lonely if you or your partner stays up in your mind rather than being together with open hearts. Intellectualization can be interesting at times, but after a while it can feel flat and lonely.
- You may feel lonely if your partner judges you regarding your thoughts, feelings, looks or actions. Judgment creates disconnection, and disconnection can be very lonely.
- You may feel lonely when you or your partner can’t connect due to being overly tired, frazzled and overwhelmed, or ill.
Anything you do or your partner does that disconnects you from yourself and/or your partner may create loneliness. Loneliness goes away when we connect with each other from our hearts. Disconnection occurs anytime one partner closes his or her heart to protect or control.
We stay connected with each other when:
- We are willing to be vulnerable and authentic, speaking our truth without blame or judgment.
- We are willing to feel our painful feelings and lovingly manage them and learn from them — taking responsibility for all our feelings rather than avoiding them with protective, controlling behaviors. When we are connected with ourselves, we can connect with our partner.
- We are willing to learn about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflict.
- We are caring and compassionate with ourselves and our partner.
- We make time to be together to talk, play, make love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal and relationship growth. Time together, and growing in our ability to love ourselves and share our love with each other, are high priorities for both partners.
When each of you is devoted to evolving in your ability to love yourself and each other, your relationship has a high chance of staying connected. Partners who are connected with themselves and each other rarely feel lonely.
(From Are you lonely in your relationship?)
What do you do when you start feeling like that?
I have felt loneliness with friends. There use to be lot of caring and good hearted people around me. But i would feel so lonely. And end up being a little crazy and would hurt friends around me to make sure they don’t come near me again. One or two who managed to surpass that crazy hurting character of mine, have stayed as my friends till date. As years kept growing, i felt those few learned a lot on how to handle and get together with me with the right pace.
When it comes to highly intimate relationships like love with my girlfriend, i don’t remember like such a lonely feel with her. But i’m mostly afraid and i think that i often end up making her feel lonely and guilty, and becoming an accidental diminisher.
Oh, don’t be too hard on yourself, Satzie. We all can be ‘accidental diminishers’ at times. None of us is perfect. All the best to you in all your relationships 🙂
Thank you Otrazhenie. 🙂
Quite true with what you said. None of us is perfect. Felt a little better after reading that.
Good post Otrazhenie 🙂
I absolutely agree with both of those pictures/statements…That second one really hits home though. The amount of people that I’ve had in my life where I’ve known them for a really long time and then gone “I don’t know you at all”. Mind blowing! I thought I was the only one who felt like that =P lol
I have felt lonely in a relationship, hence why I’m not with them anymore. I’ve also had a relationship though where within a week of us mutually breaking up, turned into a completely different person. It was heart breaking, still is really.
Very good point. We all change, evolve and discover something new in ourselves and others over time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Lonliness is ranked higher than even smoking, towards increased risks of heart disease. Great article and a really tough feeling isn’t it when you discover you don’t really know your “friends” – or they don’t “know” you! either way, it always seems to come back to know and only expect from yourself. you’ve given some good food for thought here, thanks!! 🙂 mikey
Very good point, Mikey. 🙂
We can become our own best friend, which helps deal with the loneliness, and with the feeling that no-one understands us. ‘Ending up’ with people who don’t understand us might be a cue to have a conversation, change our relationships or get out more. We have the power, people! Thanks for this reflection. xxx 🙂
Very good point, Fran. We do have the power! 🙂
This is so true O, and I have lived it. It seems such a contradiction but so true as well. But not any more.
Glad to hear that it is all in the past and not your present any more, Michael. All the best. 🙂
I admire how you address such hard hitting subjects with concise words and a kind touch. Early in life, I was tormented by feelings of loneliness and isolation. Relationships and friends could not completely relieve that bone deep ache that kept me at arms length, silenced my voice, and formed a mask over my emotions. It was my experiences in war that freed me. I began to cherish the tranquility of being alone. I no longer feared loneliness or death. They became good friends. When I found that I enjoyed my own company, I began to live and the ache disappeared.
Very interesting you say that. Glad to hear that you began to live and the ache disappeared. What were your experiences in war?
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