The Lonely Introvert


The Lonely Introvert: It seems like an oxymoron at first. How can people who desire time alone and often thrive working by themselves get lonely? Fairly easily, actually.

People are social creatures whether introverted or extroverted, and need interactions with others. However for introverts, it’s not the quantity of social interactions they have that makes them feel socially satisfied, it’s the quality of those interactions.

As Sophia Dembling explains in The Introvert’s Way, “Introverts don’t get lonely if they don’t socialize with a lot of people, but we do get lonely if we don’t have intimate interactions on a regular basis,”.  This can be a blessing and a curse. Since introverts desire such a deep connection to feel fulfilled, it makes it difficult to find people to connect with.


 I was always a quiet introvert with just a few close friends. I often feel lonely or bored at large parties – even if I know all the people there, the party atmosphere is not suitable for long conversations. Hanging out with strangers with loud music blaring and alcohol never appealed to me.  My ideal social interaction would be a long conversation with a close friend in a quiet environment away from other people.

Unfortunately, such deep connections are not easy to find, and when I get caught short and my only choice is superficial socializing or nothing, I can get very lonely.


What about you? Do you ever feel lonely?




51 thoughts on “The Lonely Introvert

  1. As we get older and leave superficial relationships behind, those who stay close to us become even more precious. Those who truly understand us – they are our guardian angels; however far away they live, that they care and ask after us, both heals us and empowers us. I would rather have one true friend, then 50 superficial relationships: divorce taught me this. Perhaps the opposite to the way many choose to live today 🙂

  2. Yes. Daily. As I no longer work and i live alone apart from a son i have very few social interactions and if it wasn’t for WP I may not talk with anyone on any particular day.
    I am busy in my ay as i write a lot but I’m alone far too much I think.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Well, you are not alone in WP. All your WP friends are here 😉 We do enjoy your writing and getting to know you better via your blog and we do ‘talk’ with you via comments. 🙂

  3. I’ve grown to accept I’m an introvert as I got older and, with great relief, dumped my need to be an extrovert. I love people – in small doses. I am never lonely – life’s too interesting, but I enjoy being alone. I can sit in silence all day long without needing noise or company. I am married and we enjoy our lives together but often we’ll only exchange a few words during the day when we’re both working on different things that interest us, and talk in the evening.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      I like your point regarding ‘dumping a need to be an extrovert’. When I was younger, I did feel more pressure to conform and be more ‘extroverted’. Now I don’t care and enjoy myself the way I am. Luckily, I do not have any ‘external’ pressure to go to noisy parties or other things I hate. My family is happy to allow me some ‘quiet time’ for reading, blogging or thinking. That allows me to ‘recharge’ myself for busy life with growing children 🙂

  4. renatembell says:

    I’m right there with you. I have enjoyed, valued, needed my alone-ness and independence my entire adult life, but during these past few years independence is taking its toll. I relate well with summerstommy2 (except I don’t have a child). And The Crazy Crone is inspiring! I’ll have what she’s having. LOL 🙂 Thank you all for sharing! Best wishes

  5. girlwiththehankie says:

    I am also an introvert and I admit that more often I prefer being alone which sometimes it makes me feel like I am lonely. I feel like nobody care for me.

  6. Mélanie says:

    @”What about you? Do you ever feel lonely?” – not really… 🙂 I’m a sociable, open and communicative person, but reserved and discreet at the same time… I don’t mind being alone now and then, but never for long… I invite you to read my “about” and this post: I’m a simple Cappy girl: 🙂

  7. Grace says:

    I’m an introvert and I prefer friendships that exist on a “deeper” level. I can spend a day quietly completing tasks or in the company of others.
    Generally, I enjoy people!

  8. PookyH says:

    I recently authored a elearning unit about loners (for the MindEd portal, a fabulous project) and a key distinction I felt was important was between ‘happy loners’ and those who are unhappy to be alone… It was very interesting to research. I used to consider myself very indpendent and quite a loner until, as a teen, I took myself off to teach in Romania and was hundreds of miles from the nearest english person. It was MISERABLE. I learnt a lot during that trip.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Gosh, it must have been a very hard experience for you to go to a different country where no one speaks your tongue. The same happened to me when I moved to a different country. I missed my close friends a lot. I found however that once children comes along, it is so much easier to get to know other people. Also, children made me much more ‘social’.

  9. Michael says:

    Your ideal social interaction sounds like a play right out of my book. I feel lonely when I’m not immersed in meaningful connections. One thing I’ve noticed that is interesting about working, however, is that our work often brings us into contact with people we don’t know all that well, with whom the obvious purpose of the relationship is collaboration, and that can be a very interesting exercise. It’s not the same as the deep, conversations with a close friend, but still revealing…


  10. osarobohenry says:

    Thank you so much for stopping by at my blog and for liking some of my post.May the Lord reward you with His grace and love in The name of Jesus Christ.

  11. bkpyett says:

    Quite enlightening, and I’m sure many of us relate to your thoughts!

  12. ljandrie57 says:

    Yes, I do get lonely. It helps though that I teach children who love to talk about all kinds of things. It helps balance things. I am also becoming more at peace with the lonely places in my life and more able to go out and visit with others a bit more. The internet helps too.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Love your comment. I used to teach children and in my experience, being a bit introverted helped in teaching, as it allowed me to listen to children more without ‘shutting’ them down with more ‘loud’ extroverted style of teaching. Glad that you mentioned the internet. Blogging provides such a wonderful way of having a ‘meaningful’ conversation. 🙂

  13. parth893 says:

    I feel that I am also an introvert.. I don’t like hanging out in large groups, m fine in the company of less people or animals!!! I can spend my time on my own without any trouble.. Sometimes it may feel lonely but choices are ours to make!

  14. Willy Nilly says:

    Great post, describes me very closely. I stopped feeling loneliness when I accepted all my many faults and actually made friends with myself. I thought it ill mannered of me not to pursue silence in the company of others. But, I do sometimes fail to mind my manners. 🙂

  15. satzie says:

    Well said Otrazhenie, Introverts might get/feel lonely because of lack of proper intimate communications, not just because of they don’t talk with others. And I have felt that way sometimes, like feeling hard to find people with whom I can grab a deeper level of experience.
    I also generally prefer conversations in quiet environment, generally 2 or at the most 4. I do get that you might be unable to converse properly in busy environments, sometimes.
    I like to be alone. As like in many introvert books states, I feel recharged in quiet and lonely places mostly, and feel like energy been depleted in busy environments. But there are also times, where I have enjoyed busy places, large number of people, but such happenings are very less.
    I think that even extroverts can feel lonely even though they have a large quantity of conversations.
    Enjoyed the pictures.
    Good post Otrazhenie.

  16. titide says:

    I completely relate. Love the reflection.

  17. lolsy254 says:

    I am definitely an introvert but I have always struggled finding people to have that close connection with to not feel lonely. At the moment I live with my mother and that is helping me not feel so alone, especially with my puppy. I know that there are people I can always go and talk too, but at the moment I am trying to get out and make that circle bigger, but it’s proving difficult. As you mentioned it is hard to make a close connection over loud blaring music and people shouting and the dramas that always happen at parties.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Big hug to your puppy and good luck with making your circle bigger. Hope you will meet some interesting people with whom you’ll never feel lonely 🙂

  18. kp says:

    Hi….very insightful post beautifully articulated. I can really relate. I have never liked parties; I too prefer an intimate conversation with a close friend. There have only been a few people in my life with whom I felt a deep connection and we have gotten separated by time and distance as each of us focused on jobs and children. I often wonder if there is something wrong with me that I have not collected new friends in new locations but most people do not want intimate relationships. Thanks for sharing this. Kim

    • Otrazhenie says:

      I don’t think there is something wrong with you, Kim. Probably, once we get older, people in our age group get more focused on their children and families and therefore are not available for ‘deep connection’ with anyone else. It might be easier to develop such connection when we are younger (before we have families and children) or later, once children leave the nest.

  19. Aurora says:

    I refer to myself and a “secure introvert”. I could talk to anybody at any given moment. I have few close friends and many acquaintances for the same reasons you’ve listed. Balance and acceptance is what works for me. I remind myself to keep up with friends, but I know my need for alone time and am very comfortable there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on introverts.

  20. wkdAngel says:

    Love this post! Yes I often feel lonely tho I do like my alone time…..noone can stay in solitude for too long! Ah if only nearest and dearest could be around more often!
    Don’t like superficial friendships but have tried to learn over the years you have to have different friends for different things.
    Hard to find like-minded people.
    Your besties will always be your besties so at least appreciate that you have them even if they cannot be there in person, know that they care and wish you well.
    Everyone has their own lives in the end.
    It’s harder if you don’t have a romantic partner but there are many ways to live this life. Just need to find a lifestyle that suits you, stay strong, be brave, and dare to love.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for your insightful comment. So true – there are many ways of living this life. We just need to find the lifestyle that suits us the best 🙂

  21. I love the solitude of where I live. There’s only my wife and I. I love my own company and only venture out when necessary. When I do get out I soak up the feel of other people then get home again. Strange I know but it works for me.

  22. Ajaytao2010 says:

    Very nice and beautiful post 🙂

  23. Linh Tran says:

    It is easy for me to feel lonely in a large party, but I don’t feel lonely when I am alone at home. My home is like my castle 🙂

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