Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide…

Hiding
From Coach Your Mind

Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here and live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes and die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
I plead with you now, let me go instead?
I wish I could take you with me, to a happy place,
Whether it exists though, is time for me to face.
Can I ask for your forgiveness? For you to set me free,
It may seem ungrateful, but this life’s not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the world to me, to know that someone cared.

By Jaclyn

Free
From Set Me Free

* * *

Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? If yes, you’re not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives.

Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn’t mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. Lots of people who were experiencing suicidal thoughts have no history of mental illnesses, drugs or alcohol abuse.

Humour

From IZquotes

When I started thinking of ending my life, I simply did not see any purpose in existing on this planet. I did not see any way of fitting in with that curious lot, people, who all ‘herd together, trampling on each other’, as Maxim Gorky once said. I felt it was a mistake for me to be born at the first place and just wanted to disappear with no trace, like if I have never ever been on that planet. 

Photo1From DevianArt

People jumping under the trains were a regular occurrence at that time.  Life was tough and lots of people saw no purpose in keeping that miserable existence going.

One of my friends was a train driver. He told me once how that feels to see someone dying under the train. How hard it is to forget the eyes of that person… That did not seem right thing to me. I felt that it was up to me to decide, what I wanted to do with my life. But what right did I have to make other people’s lives more miserable  by making other people see that and leaving them to deal with the remains on the tracks? Leaving no trace – that was the problem…

FaceFrom Shellshock Serenade

I never talked to anyone about my thoughts. I never indicated to anyone what was going in my mind. I was still laughing, constantly reciting my favorite lines from ‘Cynics’ – the book I liked the most at that time. That laughter and those lines – my closest friend could not stand that anymore and pulled me out of town for a few weeks. The ‘Cynics’ were left behind as well as the lines of its main character who did commit suicide in the last chapter of that book…

Photo2From DevianArt

These were probably the most important two weeks in my life. That was the first time in my life when I realised, that if there is no way, I CAN make my OWN WAY. Looking back, I appreciate a lot those people, who helped me to realise that, who did show me that life was still worth living, who did return me my sense of humour… Looking back, I’m glad that I did not disappear without a trace. I’m glad that I’m still on that planet.

However that experience taught me a lot and gave me a good ‘measure’ for everything in life. Every time I had a hard choice in my life, I was thinking: ‘If I go that way or make that choice, will I want to live on that planet afterwards?’. And if the answer was ‘no’, than that option was off the list. That made my life so much simpler.

Photo3From DevianArt

If you are unable to think of solutions other than ending your life, it is not that other solutions don’t exist, but rather that you are currently unable to see them. The intense emotional pain that you’re experiencing right now can distort your thinking so it becomes harder to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with those who can offer support. Talk to a trusted friend or relative, talk to your beloved ones. Give them a chance to help. Alternatively, try anonymous hotline.

Hands

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, you might be afraid to bring up the subject. But talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.

Ways to start a conversation about suicide:

  • I have been feeling concerned about you lately.
  • Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.
  • I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.

Questions you can ask:

  • When did you begin feeling like this?
  • Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?
  • How can I best support you right now?

What you can say that helps:

  • You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
  • You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.
  • I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.
  • When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage…

HelpFrom How to Help a Suicidal Friend

If someone close to you committed suicide, don’t blame yourself. People tend to think of what they might have done differently to help prevent the suicide. Being deep in grief makes it hard to think clearly, and you may really believe that you could have stopped your loved one’s suicide with lots of “what ifs”: “What if I had taken her straight home?” “What if I’d gone downstairs and checked on him that night?” “What if I had told her I loved her more?””What if…

Grief1Grief

Coming to a place of acceptance (the final stage of grieving) often goes hand in hand with getting a sense of closure on the actual death. Talking with others who knew the person well or even having some kind of a gathering to talk about the person can be quite healing. Laughing and enjoying life again doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loved one. In fact, going on with your life is a wonderful way of honoring your loved one’s memory…

Life
From Suicide is Painful

Resources:

THE END

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45 thoughts on “Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide…

  1. bkpyett says:

    Dear ozrazhenie, Life sounds very bleak for you at the moment. That poem is so moving. Please think twice. I lost the father of my children to suicide, it is just so final. Your children must need you. I love reading your posts. Isn’t there someone you can talk to?

  2. Jenni says:

    This is one of the most thoughtful pieces I’ve read on this topic. Having been a ‘bin there, done that, don’t want the t-shirt’ in my time I can honestly say you have shown more insight into it than I had when I was at my lowest. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I wish you well on your continued adventure amongst the ‘people’ of this world we all muddle through.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for your kind words, Jenni. Trust me, I did not have much ‘insight into it’ when I was at my lowest. It took me almost 20 years to get to that post. Glad that you liked this post.

  3. I was told once by a professional that thinking about suicide is more common than we think, that it is considered “taboo” and that is why many feel ashamed or feel they would be judged in some way by talking about it. This is a very thought-provoking and helpful post about a subject most don’t want to talk about.

  4. Theresa says:

    Important post for all concerned. I am glad you worked your way through… Blessings.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks, Theresa. Lots of people avoid talking about it, which I believe makes it worse. By sharing our experiences, we can save lives. Thanks for reading this post.

      • Theresa says:

        As a therapist, every time I say the word “suicide” to a client who is thinking about it, they breathe a sigh of relief and start to speak. They are relieved, as am I. Thank you for helping to reduce its stigma.

      • Otrazhenie says:

        Thanks for your comment, Theresa. Interesting to hear that even mentioning that word brings so much relief to your clients. Reducing its stigma is important for helping people and saving lives.

  5. risinghawk says:

    I’m glad that you are still with us, with this wisdom to share on a very important topic. I hope that a lot of people read it! Peace . . .

  6. katelon says:

    Thanks for this beautifully written and important post. I spent many years of my life feeling this way. I had someone close to me die every six years of my life, since birth and my family did not talk about grief, or really anything. At one point, at age 18, when my brother died, and a month later i almost died, they sent in a psychiatrist. He informed my family that we needed counseling. My parents said…no…I was the problem, refused to go, and sent me for counseling…worthless counseling. It wasn’t until the next death six years later, that I finally got the help I needed, as my family still wasn’t talking.

    I, too, have had amazing angels rescue me. What a gift. I don’t go to those dark places anymore, but certainly spent enough years in them to understand their pain.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for sharing your story, katelon. I’ve seen families torn apart by grief with people refusing to talk about it. So sad.

      Glad to hear that you had amazing angels to support you and help you out of those dark places. One day you might become such an angel for someone else. Take care of yourself and have a wonderful weekend.

      • katelon says:

        Thank you, hope you had a wonderful weekend, too.
        I have been a holistic/spiritual trainer, coach, therapist for over 35 years, and know that my one on one work, workshops and writing have helped many people. I believe that because I grew up willing to express my sadness, fear, anger, grief, I am better able to be with others in that space as well as teach others how to navigate those waters.

  7. PookyH says:

    I’m sorry that you have felt this way – but it’s fantastic that you’re now able to reflect on it and provide so much insight. This is a topic that people just don’t talk about enough. One of the jobs I sometimes get asked to do is to go into schools after a student suicide to help staff / students / parents through the other side. It breaks my heart every time.

    This post which highlights (mainly UK) sources of support for suicidal feelings from my work blog might be useful to some of your readers: http://www.inourhands.com/mental-health/sources-of-support-for-suicidal-thoughts/

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for sharing this link, Pooky. Loved your work blog. Your work is so important. I’m sure it makes a huge difference for students, parents and all staff at schools.

      • PookyH says:

        I do hope so. I’m lucky that I get to apply the work I’ve done during my PhD so it’s not just pure academia. It all feels worthwhile when I get an email saying how a young person has been helped as a result of something I’ve written or someone I’ve trained. It can be hard going though, some of the stories I hear are so sad.

      • Otrazhenie says:

        I know what you mean. I’ve seen a lot of sad stories while working in an orphanage – that was my first opportunity to apply my University training in practice. That “practice” was not as ‘pure’ as academia in my experience that I described a few years ago at https://otrazhenie.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/oh-girls/ 😦

  8. gwennonr says:

    This was a very timely post. Thank you for writing it. Your insight and compassion here are incredible. I especially appreciated your line “It’s just so permanent.” That is so true. May the Lord bless you.

  9. pujakins says:

    Thank you for your compassionate and helpful column. It is a wonderful sharing. Thank you too for liking my latest blog. Warm wishes, Tasha

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for your kind words, Tasha. I sincerely hope that this small post will make some positive difference and, may be, will help someone to keep living on this planet a bit longer, without opting for a permanent solution to what might be only temporary problems.

  10. Nebulize says:

    I thank you for sharing this.

  11. Brenna says:

    I’m amazed at your openness and willingness to share – thank you for your post!

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for your comment, Brenna. I hope by sharing our stories and experiences, we will be able to help each other to get through difficult times in life.

  12. satzie says:

    Talking out can help as it might give an opportunity to see the problem clearly. It is seeing something from outside it, will give a different perspective. Moreover it is like cleaning the dust. It is a good process.
    I try meditation during hard times mostly, listening to the crowd inside. And it helps most of the times.
    Sometimes there are situations where people around us might not be strong enough to hear our thoughts.
    I remember sharing worse moments with friends, when they listened with care and interest.
    I also remember moments, feeling people weren’t interested to listen when i was going through harder times. I think sometimes when i didn’t want to share worse moments are times when i felt people weren’t ready/interested/understanding/STRONG/ABLE to help.
    There were some other moments, where i remember meeting experts to talk on issues that were troubling in my life. But i felt i wasn’t a fit for whereever i went. One of such an expert was amazed with my thoughts and queries, and he felt that i was far from his level of expertise. I intend to say, sometimes it might be hard to find the right kind of person who could create the confidence in you that they could help you out. But as you pointed out, finding/realizing that people cares for us, could inturn give us some strength to overcome pains.
    It is best if it happens with heart, with love.
    It is still better if we do it with head.
    I admire and appreciate how you have turned your bitter experience into some light for people around. A good post, i have stored your valuable points in my head. 🙂

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Thanks for your insightful comment, Satzie. I often find in life that people who sincerely love you and care about can provide much better help and support in dark times than any professional ‘experts’. I was blessed to meet very good people in my life, my ‘guardian angels’, who kept me sane and helped me through tough times. I wish you’ll always have such good friends around.

  13. Mélanie says:

    you did touch my heart with this extremely delicate topic… ❤
    it seems we all come to life with "le mal de vivre"(unhappiness – impossibility of bearing life…)
    http://myvirtualplayground.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/cri-et-desespoir-scream-and-despair/
    * * *
    try to stay healthy, "cool" and brave! for your loved ones, too… 🙂

  14. I think this is an important post. I am always stunned at how many requests I receive for suicide letters. I would like to use one of your resource pages on my “Suicide Help” page. Thank you for your insights.

  15. Ajaytao2010 says:

    Dear

    Even if you hide from everybody else you cannot hide from yourself, what can you do for yourself, and although one has suicidal tendency at times it is the ultimate escape and escaping is not at all a solution dear, one has to stay put and face everything it is thee where lies the key and with time and patience the miracle occurs.

    thank you for sharing this.

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