“They may push you away, but deep down your kids still need to know you love them. So don’t get hurt — get closer by learning these teen-friendly ways to show you care.”
From How Fathers Influence Daughters
When your kids are little, parenthood is pretty much a contact sport — a nonstop marathon of smooching and snuggling. Fast-forward to their teen years, and it’s an entirely different story. Take my 14-year-old, for example. I used to put his sweet little baby toes in my mouth just to make him giggle. Now he not only has a pair of huge hairy man feet, but all of our tender moments — including those times he rests his chin on the top of my head, just to show how tall he is-happen entirely on his terms. And what about his 16-year-old sister? Sure, she’ll occasionally play footsie with me while we watch House. But if I hug her uninvited, she turns into a human surfboard.
Experts say we shouldn’t let those cold shoulders fool us. Kids not only want us to reach out to them, but also need constant reminders that we care…
When your kid starts insisting you keep your distance — in my house, that involves eye rolling, mock gagging or the ultra-offensive “eww, get away from me!” — relax. You can show your teens you love them while still giving them space.
1. Find affection alternatives. Kashurba suggests parents, especially dads, modify the ways they show affection to their teens. Hugging daughters can become embarrassing. Chances are you’ve already figured out that rumpling her hair is out of the question, so experiment. Try an occasional back scratch while she’s at the computer. Games — whether it’s touch football or flicking each other with wet dishrags — offer parents a chance to stay physical with both boys and girls.
2. Chill their way. Flop down on the couch next to your teen, even if it means you have to endure MTV’s “The Hills”. You might not be able to hug it out, but sitting shoulder-to-shoulder and sharing a laugh can be the next best thing.
3. Pick your moments. Your teen may brush off most of your overtures, but there are always unexpected times when she feels especially vulnerable — overwhelmed by calculus, for example, or after a fight with her best friend. Seize the moment. She might not ask for it, but she’d really love a reassuring arm around the shoulder.
4. Remember, showing up matters most. When raising teens, “being actively engaged in their daily lives trumps everything,” says Cauffman. That means rooting from the bleachers at basketball games, eating dinner together most nights, and really listening — on their terms, not yours — without judgment.
5. Get your sense of humour back and share lots of giggles. In “He’ll be OK: Growing gorgeous boys into good men” Celia Lashlie noted that a common theme of the conversations she had with many of the students was their lack of what they considered a real relationship with their dads. “What’s the one thing about your dad you would change if you could?’ she asked the students.
“Time and again the answer came: ‘He’d get his sense of humour back.’
Not “He’d get a sense of humour’ but ‘He’d get his sense of humour back‘. … You’re great with your little fellows: you roll around on the floor, you fight, you have a lot of fun. And then the moment comes when a wee switch goes down in the back of the male brain, and you say to yourselves, ‘OK, I need to be a proper father now.’
So you stand up ready and willing to be a proper father and meanwhile your teen is looking around thinking, ‘I wonder where my dad went, because this grumpy old bastard sure isn’t him.’…”
(From 7 Ways to Get Closer to Your Teen and “He’ll be OK: Growing gorgeous boys into good men” )
From The Dad Effect on Teen Self Esteem
A great blog and thank you! We need all the help we can get:))
Parenting teenagers is definitely not an easy task. Let’s keep helping each other 😉
Yes…not much else to say, you’ve said everything so well! Thank you for a very realistic view of ‘that time’ in a teenager (and dad’s) life. Thanks for a great share. Namaste
Glad that you found this post useful, Mark. Thanks for your kind words. Namaste 🙂
I recall one sentence during my kids’ teenage:”help, I’ve got teenagers in the house!” 🙂 there are not “miracle-methods” to work well during the adolescence, but understanding, affection and mutual respect have always had positive issues… long story, short: I’m really happy to have 2 “old babies” nowadays! 🙂
P.S. fathers do influence both sons and daughters, it’s our case… 🙂
have a peaceful week-end & hugs… Mélanie
So true, Melanie. Totally agree with you on that 🙂
Thank you for the sharing. it is very useful for me since I have two teenage daughters 🙂
Enjoy that interesting time. 😉 Glad that you found this post useful 🙂
I was recently introduced to your blog when you commented on one of my posts regarding resiliency in children.
My, you have been a busy blogger and one that has selected your stories and posts well. I have enjoyed each post that I have read so far. This particular post I found very interesting and thank you for sharing it with your readers.
Dads are so crucial to our children and their development and when our children turn into teens, it can be difficult for some dads to know how to remain connected. The rules change and some parents (because moms experience this as well), do ‘forgot’ how to keep playing and having fun with their children when they think they now have to become ‘teachers’ or more ‘responsible’ parents. This post shares a very important message – learn how to connect with your teens but on their terms and keep having moments of fun!
As adults, we either have memories of our parents always being there or mostly being there (like watching us do things, spending time watching our favourite shows together, driving us around, or even listening to us during difficult times with our friends but not necessarily having the answers) or never being around. The former set of memories certainly adds to our resiliency and belief in ourselves that we matter. We don’t always have to know what to say, we just need to be around…and like this article states…have moments of fun.
Thanks again and I look forward to reading future posts.
Thanks for your insightful comment. Very well said 🙂
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