Memes which prevent sexual intimacy

Once I came across a series of notes written by American prostitutes. They looked more like case studies, describing individual clients and their ‘business’ requirements (don’t worry  – they did not contain any personally identifiable information).

I was surprised to discover that quite a large number of clients described in those notes were married, loved their wives and overall had very happy families. “Why do they go to prostitutes then?” –  I wondered. “ Why do they go to prostitutes?” – wondered some of the prostitutes featured in those notes.

I got surprised even more when it turned out that some of those clients did not even want to have a ‘full’ service. Often they wanted just something pretty minor that would turn them on – and then they would go straight home to their wives to get the rest. Even some prostitutes were wondering why anyone on Earth would ever pay for that?!

Why did those men risk losing treasured families by going to prostitutes instead of asking their beloved wives for those pretty minor ‘turn ons’?

I’ve done some further research on that and discovered a few interesting memes (or myths) those men might have had in their minds (consciously or subconsciously).

1.       ‘Hot’ vs. ‘Cold’

Men are usually looking for faithful long-term partners as they fear potential infidelity. For that reason some men deliberately avoid ‘hot’ partners or afraid to see their partners as ‘hot’ (partners, who have high libido and are easily satisfied during the sexual act) assuming that ‘hot’ partners are more ‘risky’ and prone to infidelity. I could not find however any evidence proving that view or demonstrating correlation between ‘hotness’ and ‘infidelity’. If a person is fully satisfied (no matter how ‘hot’ this person is) why would he/she look for satisfaction elsewhere?

2.       Black and White Swan syndrome

Some men are struggling with seeing ‘romantic’ and ‘sexual’ sides in the same person. They love their beautiful ‘White Swans’/wives with the most romantic love on Earth, but don’t get turned on by them as they do not see them as ‘sexual’ beings. Therefore to satisfy their biological needs these men turn to ‘black’ swans – sexual objects they have no personal connection with (e.g. porno, prostitutes etc.).

Interestingly enough, in the famous ballet ‘Swan Lake’ the roles of Odette (the White Swan) and Odile (the Black Swan) are always danced by the same ballet dancer. 😉 Or, as the Bible says, “It is good for a man to have nothing to do with a woman. But because of the desires of the flesh, let every man have his wife, and every woman her husband. Let the husband give to the wife what is right; and let the wife do the same to the husband. The wife has not power over her body, but the husband; and in the same way the husband has not power over his body, but the wife. Do not keep back from one another what is right, but only for a short time, and by agreement, so that you may give yourselves to prayer, and come together again; so that Satan may not get the better of you through your loss of self-control…”

3.       Fear to be misunderstood

Some men fear to be misunderstood. They are scared that their beloved ones will leave them if they get to know all their secret sexual desires. Therefore they are struggling to open up themselves to their partners.

However it is not all gloom and doom. There are some powerful strategies that can ‘replace’ or ‘counteract’ these nasty memes. A few of them are provided below:

Four C’s of Sexual Intimacy:

  • Communication:
    Frustration accumulates when partners  are not able to communicate about problems, desires, fears, or a host of other regularly unspoken issues that impact their sexual experience.
  • Caring:
    Caring for your partner means providing them with the sexual experience that pleases them, on their terms, in their way, in their time frame. However caring is not a one-way street – both partners should be caring about each other.
  • Commitment:
    Commitment to sexual intimacy in marriage involves doing what is necessary to achieve it, and eliminating whatever is necessary that impedes it. Commitment also translates into time: you must prioritize your time for sex since other work and family commitments often tend to get in the way.
  • Common Values:
    It is hard to develop intimacy when values held by husband and wife are in conflict. Compatibility is vital for romance and intimacy. You don’t have to agree on everything; but you have to feel safe to be yourself, holding your own values and ideals without threat: this is how trust is built. Romantic intimacy develops as you can be completely open and honest within this context of trust and mutual acceptance.

Having realistic expectations and focusing on ‘quality’ rather than different measureable attributes (e.g. bigger, longer, faster etc. etc. etc) might help as well. We are not talking about one of the Olympic sports after all and are not on a racing course. There is as much pleasure in the journey as in its destination 😉 .

sexual_intimacyFrom Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

THE END

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7 thoughts on “Memes which prevent sexual intimacy

  1. innamazing says:

    Great and honest post. One hundred percent true.

    I believe it is topic related if I tell you a short story. I’ve had a boyfriend for over a year, and we were each other’s first. The other day, my now EX-boyfriend, told me that he let himself get pressured into attempting to have sex with a prostitute. His best friend encouraged him to do so, because he thought my boyfriend needed to live a little, bla blaa. Now I will quote him, “And even though I didn’t want to, I really just thought that it would be something amazing and new. And then I couldn’t do it. I just dressed up and left.” Well, doesn’t really help my case. I mean he was gonna do it… he was going to cheat on me. He was interested in sleeping with another woman. I don’t know whether he regarded me as solely a “white” swan (I always thought I could balance the white and black quite well…. guess I was wrong, silly me)… but for some reason I wasn’t… ENOUGH. It’s strange how some men don’t seem to have a peace of mind until they test out all the pieces of meat out there.

    • Otrazhenie says:

      Dear Innamazing. I’m very sorry to hear your sad story. Originally I’m coming from the same culture as you. Unfortunately, in our culture in my generation hardly anyone was taught the basics when it comes to sex and intimacy. As the results there are lots of ‘myths’ circulating around, especially in male circles. And the male pressure is too strong, especially when it comes to drinking and sex. All these ‘you are not a man’ if you don’t do this or that….

      The fact that your boyfriend told you about that incident indicates to me that he was serious about you and he sincerely tried to build good relationship with you. The trouble is that you both were still at the beginning of that journey, you were still learning about each other. Your boyfriend was still to discover all the aspects of the ‘black’ swan side of your personality. One year is not much when it comes to building good relationships. Sometimes it takes decades, and even after decades people are still learning and discovering something new in each other.

  2. innamazing says:

    Thank you for your marvelous answer, and excuse me for my late reply.

    I believe you are very right, perhaps his failed attempt marks the end of his “testing” for the rest of his life. It is true that some men NEED a personal connection to in order to get excited and will never ever be able to sleep with a hooker, because there’s a barrier in their mind that makes it physically impossible. But we must also remember, that there aren’t only prostitutes out there, but also normal girls, and well… those will always be competition 😉 hahaha

    Communication is always very valued in a relationship, as well as honesty. Afterall, I am very glad he told me, because I feel like both of us took a weight off our shoulders, and it’s just easier to achieve that “peace of mind”. I know what he’s done, but at the same time I know that he told me, and I feel like maybe it’s a big step so I can start trusting him again.

    Cheers and thank you

  3. […] Blush through the Four C’s of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage […]

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